Aging

My confirmation, Temple Emanuel

I think this picture was taken around 1975. My mother is the woman on the far right. Her mother, my grandmother, is the woman standing in the pantsuit in the center. Her husband, one of my grandfathers, is beside her.  It's funny that my dad kept his sunglasses on for the photo. The man on the far left is his father, the other of my grandfathers.My siblings are also in the picture along with one of my aunts who is my father's sister.

It brings sorrow to me that all have passed on except for my siblings and my mother. It is sorrow for love gone by. The deaths in my family of which I was a part were not long and drawn out. My beloved Nana Anna passed very quickly. I lied about my age in order to see her in intensive care. My Poppa Jack also passed away in the hospital. I got to see him one time, too. My father never woke up from what turned out to be his final heart surgery.

My mother is turning 82 on Tuesday and it is getting harder to be around her. Whenever she spoke of the final years before her mother passed, she would reminisce about how mean she was to her. My older sister witnessed it but at that time I lived halfway across the country and had my own issues.

I am looking at the picture and realize I am flanked by my grandfathers. I remember Poppa Jack making sure he was next to me. It was a protective act.

I am losing my mother as her brain changes with age. She was never the milk and cookies type of mom and our relationship was rocky but these past few years she tried. We had fun together and would laugh. Being with her now is a lesson in patience and reminding myself that her hurting me is a symptom of what is going on with her physically. Apparently this is heredity. My older sister, not joking, reminded me the other day on the phone that we have a pact that if one of us gets mean when we are old to say something.

With each new visit, I hope that the time spent with her is without me getting my feelings hurt. This probably sounds selfish of me especially when I know she is oblivious to the effect her actions and words have on me.

I have started to mourn my mother. She is leaving me very slowly. Little pieces of her are breaking off and crumbling never to return. After each visit it is taking longer for me to recover my balance because she is getting worse.

I was going to write about Lolly today, our (Poppy and me) new girl. She's a 5 year old Chihuahua that was rescued from euthanasia. I'll have to talk about her soon. Until then, here's a pic.

The Year of Transition

To celebrate the end of 2016 and the beginning of 2017, Carolyn, my Reiki teacher and compadre in all things spiritual, went out to dinner at a delicious Italian restaurant called Dolce Italia. It was Carolyn's suggestion and an excellent one at that. The food was so good!

I have always been attracted to people that are different. I don't know why. Sometimes it as not been the healthiest thing for me. In Carolyn's case, it has been very healthy for me. We both see dead people so it's all good.

One of the topics of conversation was 2016 and politics aside, all of the different things that took place. It has definitely been a year of transitions. Each December, I think about receiving my W-2 and submitting my taxes. This year I will have FOUR w-2s. That blew my mind.

Starting at the top of the year, I spent the first few months at the job I had worked at for four years. Every day was a new torture to endure and I have never been so glad to leave a place.

The second W-2 comes from a window installation business that one week into my employment the woman that hired me was fired. Her replacement wasn't a fan of mine and after three to four months I was told I should be in a supervisory role, not this one. Please move on. Here's a small severance package. Good luck.

The third W-2 will be from the temp-to-perm agency that hired me for the job I am at now. To fulfill the contracted obligation, I had to work a certain number of hours before I could be officially hired so I got paid by the agency from 7/5/16 through 10/31/16. It was a weird situation to be in. I was a part of the organization but not really.

The fourth W-2 will be from the organization that waited out the contract with me and officially hired me on 11/01/16. I love where I work. The people are fun, amazing, and wonderful human beings. It takes a certain personality to be comfortable working in and around the kind of patients we have. Our mission statement:

The mission of the Community AIDS Network is to provide a continuum of medical, social and education services essential to the health and well-being of those living with HIV/AIDS, Hepatitis C, sexually transmitted diseases, other diseases and to enhance public awareness.

This transition took three moves on the game board, but they were worth it to get to where I am now.

Two personal relationships ended. One was my choice; the other was not. I am still working through Jim's passing. He hangs around me quite a bit and I find it comforting. I learned so much about life and myself from being with him. He learned from me, too.

I hope that this year brings more joy than sadness, more growth, more love, and more success for you and me. Surround yourself with people that have good intentions and open hearts. Ones that want to play and be mischievous. The kind that will laugh when you laugh and cry when you cry. Those that are like the citizens of Who-ville. They will help your heart to grow.

From Dr. Seuss, "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"