Rose and Jeff continued

Rose took a seat in one of the wicker chairs on the porch as she watched Bill make a mad dash to the nearest bush and lift his leg.  It was that lovely time of early evening when the creatures that are active during the day start getting quiet preparing for the night ahead and the nocturnal ones haven't yet woken up with a yawn and a stretch.  When it was quiet like this and Rose was alone she always ran an internal diagnostic of her feelings and life status.  It was a habit she felt didn't need changing.

Hearts

Hearts are like M and M's. When the hard covering is broken the soft inside becomes vulnerable so be careful that you aren't walking around with a hammer but instead have a soft touch.

Rose and Jeff Continued

Rose turned her head to look at the bedside clock. It was 6:30. The dog had to be fed and let out. Dinner had to be made, too, but she didn't want to be out from under Jeff's arm. If felt heavy, strong, and good. She looked back up at the ceiling and as she indulged her memories she closed her eyes.

She was back at the kitchen table finishing off the toast with jam. Her mouth watered and she had to swallow. She opened her eyes again to survey the room and make sure of her surroundings. She should really get up and take care of the dog. Guilt got the best of her and she slipped out of Jeff's arms.

Bill sat up at the sound of Rose getting out of bed and stared at the doorknob willing it to turn and the door to open. Tada! “C'mon, Bill. Let's go out,” said Rose as she got down and gave Bill a hug around his soft furry neck. They walked down the hall together through the kitchen and out the door.

Test Results, etc.

My latest cancer test results were not what I expected or wanted.  The numbers were higher than the last time I was tested a little over a year ago.  It took me weeks to absorb this bad news.  It wasn't the doctor that called me but his nurse and she had no idea why I wasn't dancing in the streets over the results after all, they were less than 1.  Nothing gets done when the results are under a 1. 

She didn't know I've been through this yearly number increase before and ended up needing a second more extreme surgery.  On top of that I have some sort of knobby growths one on the top of my left foot and the other on my forehead near my hairline.  I've had three courses of radioactive iodine treatment so secondary cancer is in the back of my mind.  I see my general practitioner today to talk to her about that and also getting refills on prescriptions.

My personal life is full of crazy shit including Jim's bat shit-ass crazy ex-wife.  My mom is slowly losing her mind and with that even more of her histrionic personality presents itself as the "I shouldn't say that" filter erodes.  I am in the throes of foreclosure because of my bat shit-ass crazy ex-husband.

"Drugs are bad, mmkay?"

So, the good things are that Jim and I are seeing an excellent nurse/social worker.  She is definitely heaven sent with that combination!  I have the best boss ever!  I have the best dog ever!  Let's just end this on a high note, mmkay?

Negatives

Unheard

Unloved

Abused

Misused

Lied to

Misplaced

Disgraced

Rose & Jeff

Rose was standing at the kitchen sink washing the dishes that had been left over from breakfast and lunch.  Her hands were warm from the sudsy water.  She was wearing a cotton dress that felt soft as the air from the open side door blew in gently making the fabric kiss her legs.  She looked out the kitchen window and smiled as her gaze took in, once again, the open fields that were her backyard. She would never tire of the scene.  It is what she always wanted.  As she watched the tall grass sway in the breeze, peace filled her heart and quieted her mind. 

 

She was lost in thought when she heard his boots on the porch and then the squeak of the screen door as he opened it.  The smell of cut hay walked in with him and with five quick steps Jeffery was next to her.  His right arm wrapped around her waist as with his left he turned the sink faucet off.  Kissing her on the cheek and then the back of her neck her body relaxed into his.  He had worked outside all day and sunshine clung to his plaid shirt.

 

“Hey, Girlie,” he said with both arms now wrapped around her waist. They were in their early 40s but she felt like a teenager whenever he was close.

 

“Hey, big man. How's your day going,” Rose asked as she turned around to face him.  He kept her tight in his arms.  She unbuttoned his shirt so that she could run her fingers through his chest hair.  It was soft and curly and she loved it.  She rubbed her face where her fingers had been and inhaled deeply.  Jeff always smelled good to her whether just coming in from a hard day’s work outside or fresh from the shower.   She felt Jeff’s kiss on the top of her head and then his chin as he rested it there.  She knew he was looking out the kitchen window and probably thinking about next week.  His surgery loomed large even though they both tried to not let it ruin their time together now.  With that thought she went from light to heavy.

 

Jeff took her by the arms and pushed her away from him just enough to be able to see her face.  She automatically tilted her head up. As she looked into his eyes her smile started off as brave and then crumpled.  Rose’s eyes filled with tears even though she wanted so badly not to give in to the desperation she hated to admit she felt. She couldn't imagine life without him. After all that she survived in the past she couldn't lose Jeff. All of those times when she forced herself to keep going when all she wanted to do was lie down and die - she didn't know if she would be able to keep going this time. Jeff tucked her protectively under his arm and they walked down the hall to the bedroom. Their dog, a big black German Shepard/Black Lab mix named Bill, had watched the whole thing from under the kitchen table. He got up and padded behind them nails clicking on the tile floor. The hallway afforded carpet and it was quiet again. Outside of the bedroom door he laid down and rested his big head between his front paws.