My hardest birthday was my 29th. I had just one more year left in my twenties and then I would officially be old, at least that was what I was thinking. It wasn't like I had to come to terms with things like no more partying, acting mature, or putting others ahead of myself. I had been knee deep in just the opposite since I had turned 21. My life was full of responsibility with my marriage and two children. It was about losing my youth. At what point will my hair start to lose its color? Will I end up being like the women I observed playing Mahjongg with my mother? As a teenager I promised myself that would never happen. Will I lose my identity?
Eventually I resigned myself to the fact that I could not fight getting older. More birthdays came and went without fanfare. Through the years the changes weren't a big deal until Thyroid Cancer busted through the swinging tavern doors making the kind of entrance that causes the poker players to look away from their cards, the drunk to find the energy to lift their heads, and the piano player to stop mid phrase.
I lost control over my body and rudely learned what being a non-person was like. I was being harshly judged by ignorance.
I lost control over my future. How many birthdays did I have left? I learned that I never really had control over that in the first place. Another painful lesson.
Each time cancer drove me to learn something, it was like being tortured on the rack forced into stretching my mind to make changes at my core.
Recently I was reading on Facebook someone describing losing two people within weeks of each other. Both were in their mid to late sixties. I did the simple math in my head and was slapped with the realization that I am but a mere 12 to 14 years away from their ages. Everyone has experienced the phenomenon of the relativity of time. The older we get the faster it goes. As I look to turn 54 in a few months, the end gets closer and instead of it being blurry I am now able to make out some of the details. I started to panic because there was so much more I wanted to do and this time crunch thing was squeezing my ribs with vice like strength.
It has been a couple of years since Cancer has held me at gunpoint. I've had great reports after enduring my second surgery in 2010 and unbeknownst to me I had forgotten the lessons I had learned the primary one being tomorrow is never promised.
Young's Literal Translation of Proverbs 16:18 is "Before destruction is pride, And before stumbling -- a haughty spirit." These I know to be true from my personal experiences and how prideful is it to believe I am the one with the control? Nope. Not going to fall under that delusion again.
Rock on, my fine feathered friends. Oh - and about my hair and it losing its color - I started with a few white hairs but now it is more like what used to be a small intimate party is a houseful of guests because Word of Mouth can't keep quiet. Uninvited people keep showing up and you know they will be calling their friends to come join them. I am not going to cover up those white hairs. I earned them!
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