He was alive

She heard a questioning "Hello" from below. Getting up and nearly knocking her chair over, she couldn't make her way to the 2nd floor banister fast enough. Looking below, her heart pounded in her chest and her mouth went dry. He was in the foyer, hat in hand, looking a bit bewildered. Her body reacted on its own; her legs taking her to the stairs. With unsuppressed emotion, she quickly started her descent. Her dress was inhibiting her from going as fast as she could and the frustration of it all wrinkled her brow and made her grimace. Pants should be for women, too. It was alright for her to play in the mud in her older brother's pants as a kid. It should be okay for her to wear pants now, too.

He heard the long forgotten but familiar sound of women's garments swishing around her legs. Her only speed was fast and he knew she was cursing her clothes. A flurry of pastel appeared at the landing and stopped. Time froze as he watched her dress go still but her chest still heave with each breath she took. She was a beautiful butterfly looking for somewhere to light.

She was frozen. It had been 3 years since she last saw his face. His cavalry uniform only compounding the adrenal rush, she reached for the banister needing it to keep her steady. She watched him call her name, but couldn't hear his voice. Again, his lips moved. "Emily." He had told her so many times she was the strongest woman he had ever known but right now she was weak. Her legs trembled as if their one job to keep her standing was too much. He was no apparition. He was alive and here.

Horrified, he saw her sink to the floor. His hat, released from his grip, dropped to the floor. He raced up the stairs to the landing where she was sitting, her dress like cake frosting crumpled up around her. Putting one arm around her, he reached into his jacket and raising the beer can said, "This Bud's for you."

Just kidding!

Kneeling on the floor, he gathered her to him. Her face was wet with tears making her lips taste salty.
"Emily." This time she could hear his voice.

Jim - Still Here

It has been 4 1/2 months since Jim passed. I think about him. When I do, sometimes it is reviewing the bad times and I realize I am still angry about those. Sometimes I think about the Twin Flames connection we had. Still have. There are some memories where the two connect.

In this memory I was mad at Jim for some reason. It could have been because of any combination of his drug use, drinking, or lying. We both acknowledged that in our pasts we were together in some form or another so in my present anger I told him that I have cut the cord. I was done. I wouldn't have him be a part of my future lives. Flabbergasted, he replied, "You can't do that!"

I said, "Yes, I can! I am done being there for you and then helplessly stand by as you continually make the wrong decisions. I'm not doing it anymore. It is so frustrating and it hurts me."

When I see a man that resembles Jim, I do a double take. The pain in the pit of my stomach tells me I still feel the loss of not having him in my life, even as spotty as it was prior to his death.

The connection we had, we still have. He visits me from time to time sometimes so intensely I am filled to the brim with the comfort and love he can now share. I think it's funny that he likes to visit when I am with my mother, like he did today.

My Sunday visit with Mom was routine - lunch and Goodwill shopping. On my way to taking her home, I turned into her subdivision. That is when Jim popped up in the backseat. I asked him, "What are you doing here?" His answer? "I'm just here for the ride." Typical Jim. I started laughing and shared it with my mother. She said, "Isn't that clever," and laughed, too.

Your loved ones are never far from you. Even if you can't hear them or see them, feel them or touch them, they are there. If you talk to them, they listen. Their love is still yours. They know how deeply you feel their loss and that, for some of you, you are walking through this life with a chunk of yourself missing.

They want you to be happy so do what you can to be happy.