Jim - Still Here

It has been 4 1/2 months since Jim passed. I think about him. When I do, sometimes it is reviewing the bad times and I realize I am still angry about those. Sometimes I think about the Twin Flames connection we had. Still have. There are some memories where the two connect.

In this memory I was mad at Jim for some reason. It could have been because of any combination of his drug use, drinking, or lying. We both acknowledged that in our pasts we were together in some form or another so in my present anger I told him that I have cut the cord. I was done. I wouldn't have him be a part of my future lives. Flabbergasted, he replied, "You can't do that!"

I said, "Yes, I can! I am done being there for you and then helplessly stand by as you continually make the wrong decisions. I'm not doing it anymore. It is so frustrating and it hurts me."

When I see a man that resembles Jim, I do a double take. The pain in the pit of my stomach tells me I still feel the loss of not having him in my life, even as spotty as it was prior to his death.

The connection we had, we still have. He visits me from time to time sometimes so intensely I am filled to the brim with the comfort and love he can now share. I think it's funny that he likes to visit when I am with my mother, like he did today.

My Sunday visit with Mom was routine - lunch and Goodwill shopping. On my way to taking her home, I turned into her subdivision. That is when Jim popped up in the backseat. I asked him, "What are you doing here?" His answer? "I'm just here for the ride." Typical Jim. I started laughing and shared it with my mother. She said, "Isn't that clever," and laughed, too.

Your loved ones are never far from you. Even if you can't hear them or see them, feel them or touch them, they are there. If you talk to them, they listen. Their love is still yours. They know how deeply you feel their loss and that, for some of you, you are walking through this life with a chunk of yourself missing.

They want you to be happy so do what you can to be happy.

I Know What I Want

"There were so many things that were right. It was perfect except for..." I made the mental list in my head as I had done before - after I ended it. I laid in bed having woken up an hour and forty-five minutes too early. Pulling Poppy up to me from his favorite spot near my knees, I snuggled up with him.  I knew I had used that phrase before. "It was perfect except for [fill in the blank as appropriate to each relationship]. 

It was perfect except for when he drank.

It was perfect except for when he used drugs.

It was perfect except for when he brought up his ex.

The thing is, I learned so much from each of these men. I learned about life, about human behavior, about addiction to the bottle, the pill, and another person. (Yes, I believe we can be addicted to people that aren't good for us.) All negative attachments that for their own reasons these men carried on their backs and in their hearts.

I also learned about me and I grew and I changed. I became healthier; I became more "me" for having known these men. They weren't always easy lessons. As a matter of fact, some were heartbreaking. But, it was worth it and I am not sorry about them.

For the longest time I didn't understand the concept of love. Why did we look for love? Why is it natural for some but not for all to want a mate? Occam's Razor, people. It really isn't that complicated. This is how we were designed.

Now I am solid, healthy, and happy. I recognize the signs. I know who I am, what I want and I am being patient. I am doing my utmost to walk in love and not in fear.

It is still dark in my bedroom. I pull Poppy close and kiss his sweet head. I feel full. I know what I want.

Fear is your Master

You pull yourself up out of the water only to jump back in again. Your clothes barely have a chance to dry. You tie the weights around your own ankles and then kick them off. You don't know what you want. You've been in this play way too long. The lights, the music, the script. It is all very familiar to you. You know when to drag yourself out from the deep and crawl back into the sunlight. You know how to free yourself but only do it for a few blinks of your eyes. To do it longer is unfamiliar and scary. Old patterns, old ways. They don't serve you well anymore but you won't let go of what you know. Fear. Fear is your master instead of life! There is fresh air to be breathed. New places to see. Instead, you jump back in going down to the depths the weights pulling you down. Down. Down. Until you can't hold your breath any longer and free yourself once more. Be courageous next time. Don't tie the weights back on. Allow yourself to dream. To dream of happiness and a future with love and lightness. Careless and free.

And the Results Are..............

No Cancer found in any of the biopsy specimens!

Tip one back and celebrate with me.  The clock has stopped ticking.

Freedom

How does one define freedom?  Is it not owning anything that makes one free or is it owning so much there is no longer a need?  Is it not each one's mindset because each on thinks he is complete?  In the end, is freedom defined in the mind no matter the circumstances?  Reality shifts depending on our perception of it.

I looked like me!

The other day I looked in the mirror as I was leaving the bathroom and I had to go back and look again.  I could see myself after having not been able to for a very long time.  What was it?  The hair? The lighting?

I studied my reflection analytically instead of emotionally.  Different skin tone?  No.  I looked younger.  That was it.

One of the things that I have been consciously doing is actively unburdening myself to the point of throwing out or giving away things that I no longer need, want, or should have.  At first it was a slow process of calculating decisions like math problems.  Now it has become very easy and with that I have found a sense of freedom.  Just the other day I had to make a decision about something in the kitchen and poof!  Into the trash it went.  I shocked myself!  Anyone who has spent any amount of time with me knows that my decision-making process is arduous and painful as I, a typical Libra, will keep looking at all sides of a problem until eventually narrowing it down to the answer. For those that stampede through making up their minds, it is sheer hell until they jump in, take control, and make the decision for me.  Now I am taking control by letting go and it is working.

The small decisions are no more of this, that, and the other and that is making the larger decisions easier.   I am less burdened.

I have also accepted the fact that I talk to the dog, even when he is sleeping.  I laugh at myself and the things around me more often and more easily.  I allow myself to be goofy.  This is how I am, who I am, and I am happier. I like talking in silly voices.  I enjoy making up stories about the people I see.  I like playing the drums on the steering wheel while I listen to the radio in the car.  It's a long drive to and from work, people!

I am nicer to myself and because I am more accepting of myself I find that I am more accepting of others.  My inner voice is softer.  I don't have to listen to lectures anymore.  Instead I am outside on the playground admiring the pretty wildflowers or watching the sky spin as I ride the spinner.

I looked like me!

Milk Bottle Happiness

My heart is as full as a milk bottle sitting in the sink

Standing upright under an open faucet

The water running up and over the lip

And falling over the sides

Cleaning the bottle from the inside out.

I always thought this kind of happiness

Was only for those I saw on the other side of my sadness

But never for me.

Now I know. It is for me, too.

It's Official - I'm Divorced! And so is the cat.

June 21st, ladies and gentlemen.  That's the date of my divorce.  I am happy to be free.  Happy that that time of my life is finally over.  Sad that it came to that.  Drinking ruined the man and the marriage.  It rots a person from the inside out and then pushes out from the drinker's pores to drip and fall all over those within close proximity poisoning on contact.  It eats through the skin as effectively as acid burning and eroding the tender flesh leaving exposed that which should be protected.

Each day the reality of it becomes more real to me and I have to smile and do a happy dance...on the inside.  I don't want to scare people by doing my own improvisational interpretation of joy in public.

As I'm sitting here at the dining room table writing I look up and see my other cat, Senator, lounging on the back of the living room couch.  I got him back from the ex about 2 weeks ago.  Having Senator back is just another thing to add to my list of happy.  I have a wonderful friend/classmate that did me the biggest favor by negotiating the details with the ex while she was up in Maryland for a wedding.  She got the cat, bought him the proper carrier in which to fly him, took care of him, made him feel safe through the process, and then at 12:30 in the morning coordinated with me to hand him off.  She and her mom gave me something that cannot be given a monetary value.

Senator came back to me overweight, shedding, his coat shabby and sprinkled with dandruff, and without the personality that prompted me to name him Senator.  His beauty was marred.  I am glad to report that his coat is getting back its sheen and elegance.  He has already lost 1.5 pounds and not because I have limited his food intake - he has done that himself.  Eating is no longer a substitute for what was missing.  The most glorious part is that his personality has resurfaced and he is back to walking around like a pompous fool.  He also came back to me with a very bad habit of yowling incessantly in the middle of the night.  That has stopped, too. No need for it.

So, Senator and I are both now free from what haunted us.  He and I are content now.  Come to think of it, I'm not yowling in the middle of the night anymore, either.