Malleable

I have worked so hard and traveled so far. Sometimes I am so weary from making the effort. Taken for granted, pushed aside for the fake beauty of broken glass that sparks in the sunshine. I have been asked to forgive, to forget. I have been asked to swallow my pride and my feelings, choking on them as they went down. Then, throwing them back up because they refused to be ignored.

I've gotten caked with dirt while learning to love myself as I wrestled with the past, a formidable opponent.

I've made my way over, under, or through the obstacles in my path. Bad relationships, family sadness, cancer, less than stellar work environments, car accidents, and financial woes. I have also basked in the sunshine when the days are warm and bright.

I have found love, and lost it.

When you are down, please keep moving. Even if all you are capable of is grasping for a handhold, then do it. If all you can do is breath, then find peace that you are still alive. The sun rises and day transforms to night. It is how it works here. Do what you can, accept yourself. It is okay to feel fragile because you are also strong.

The trick in all of this is to know the wind comes. Bend, move with it. You will continue if you are malleable.

mal·le·a·ble

ˈmalyəb(ə)l/

adjective

adjective: malleable

(of a metal or other material) able to be hammered or pressed permanently out of shape without breaking or cracking.

 

Sometimes it hurts to be the metal in the forger's fire but, in the end, you become even more beautiful. 

Fear is your Master

You pull yourself up out of the water only to jump back in again. Your clothes barely have a chance to dry. You tie the weights around your own ankles and then kick them off. You don't know what you want. You've been in this play way too long. The lights, the music, the script. It is all very familiar to you. You know when to drag yourself out from the deep and crawl back into the sunlight. You know how to free yourself but only do it for a few blinks of your eyes. To do it longer is unfamiliar and scary. Old patterns, old ways. They don't serve you well anymore but you won't let go of what you know. Fear. Fear is your master instead of life! There is fresh air to be breathed. New places to see. Instead, you jump back in going down to the depths the weights pulling you down. Down. Down. Until you can't hold your breath any longer and free yourself once more. Be courageous next time. Don't tie the weights back on. Allow yourself to dream. To dream of happiness and a future with love and lightness. Careless and free.

Blood Letting

I took a friend out to lunch today.  Walking back to the car after eating, I saw on the ground a little Japanese doll pendant.  It is made out of plastic or rubber.  Some kind of material that is squishy, yet firm.  I took it as a sign of good luck coming my way.

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I have been struggling a long time.  My whole life, actually.  I made decisions based upon emotional needs.  I wanted to do things my way.  I needed control.  I couldn't let things go.  Last year I made a decision to not ride the merry-go-round anymore.  I was tired of the same lessons visiting me over and over again because I didn't want to learn.  That involved deep protracted surgery on my psyche and what stopped me in the past was knowing how painful that would be.  The thing is is that I also knew I couldn't continue to live my life the way I had been.

It wasn't going to be an overnight excursion but instead a long distance voyage into really seeing myself.  What did I need to change?  What did I need to do differently?  I never EVER wanted to run around the same circle again so I pushed when I wanted to give up.  I ran when all I wanted was to inch along on my hands and knees.  I allowed the knife of truth to open me up and I bled.

I'm still learning but the hardest part is over.  Recently a situation presented itself that I knew I had to handle much differently than I would have before.  I made sure to not repeat old patterns.  I consciously made the decision to think and act differently.  Instead of drama and hurt, there is peace.

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I had an appointment with my doctor's assistant this past Friday.  Tiny infections, the size of single pores, kept popping up in different places on my skin.  Antibiotic ointment didn't cure them.  Anti-fungal cream was keeping them under control.  For at least a couple of months I had been feeling awful.  Tired. Wanting to sleep.  Achy.  I told the nurse and showed her the weird examples of what I had no name.  She ended up prescribing a month long course of antibiotics made specifically for bacterial infections.  I started it yesterday.  When taken on an empty stomach, this drug makes me so nauseous I want to puke.  Now I take it with food which isn't the preferred way but if I want to function the only way.  I am already feeling better and doing better.  She was right about what was happening inside of my body.  I listened to her and relied on her knowledge.

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The tiny infections in retreat is the physical representation of the healing of my heart.  The tiny Japanese doll pendant is a gift; a representation of future good luck.

No Waste

Rickety tickety tock
Blickety flickety flock
Running around, arms on a clock

Blippety flippety flop
Strippety mippety mop
Running hard
Heart wanting to pop

Racing, keep pacing
Flying, keep trying
Speeding forward ahead of the line

Fingers gripping the life
Out of life
Squeezing, forcing the seeds of
Despair, disdain, dislike, distaste
No waste

Time

The soreness and the pain
Must be worth the strain
To make the future better
To make the future last

The sadness and the tears
Pushing down the fears
To make the future better
To make the future last

Learning to be in the now
Shoulders heavy as I plow
To make the future better
To make the future last

Dancing to the music
Sometimes feeling sick
The crowd disperses
Dizzy, yelling curses
Raising my fist
Rage, feeling pist

Ending with exhaustion
Acceptance is my station
To make the future better
To make the future last

Changing

I've been doing quite a bit of work on myself lately.  That's one reason I have been so quiet for so long.  I have had to take more than a few steps back and honestly come to grips with who I am, who I want to be in the future, and what I believe in. 

Who I am.  I always thought of myself as this dominant kind of woman that knew what she wanted and actively pursued her interests.  Well, the joke was on me!  While my intelligence, creativity, and mindfulness are cornerstones of my personality, I have come to realize that I have lied to myself for a very long time about what my core is.  I have been forcing myself, even as a young child, to try to fit into the mold that those around me wanted for me, needed me to be for themselves, instead of listening to myself and allowing me to just be, well, me.  As I make the adjustments I am like one tweaking the old fashioned radio dial where one had to carefully and slowly twist the dial left and right until the incoming signal was as clear as possible.  Sometimes I overcompensate and sometimes I under compensate but for all of the travail I am more at peace than I ever can remember feeling.  I no longer experience the undercurrent of anxiety of round hole square peg.

Who I want to be in the future.  I think I now have a pretty good idea of who I really am.  It's tough being honest with oneself.  It's also tough turning off those old autopilots and scripts.  Reacting instead of stopping, thinking, and assessing is much easier but it will only keep one on the merry-go-round.  Up and down and up and down.  I wanted off.  I needed off.  It's scary out here but the scenery is much more interesting.

What I believe in.  I always believed in God.  I was born a Jew, freshman year in college I learned about Jesus and believed in Him, and am now reading up on Buddhism.  I am leaning more towards a Higher Power and/or Creator of the Universe than what some call God, some call Jesus, others call Allah......I could go on and on with the names humanity has given to this Power.  I believe it exists, I'm just not sure what and/or who it is exactly.  I'm not all that worried about labeling it.  I'm just learning.  Once again, I am at peace.

So, I guess I'll be writing more about this journey as I walk it.  It can be painful at times but it has also brought me much joy and freedom.