I wanted to glide through this life. I came here wearing a well sharpened pair of ankle high ice skates. They didn't helped me, though. Whenever I built up any kind of speed I would run pell-mell into a stop sign. Literally. So hard I would fall from the impact, with no control I was a jumble of arms and legs spinning on the hard slick ice.
But, every time I fell, I rose again. With lacerated palms, I wiped the blood from the cuts on my knees. Sometimes still bleeding and definitely still in pain, checking my laces first, I forced myself to keep going,
Bruised and stained by my own blood, the healing took place with each new forward push. Eventually I learned how to navigate around sharp corners, stop without crashing, and easily cruise around dangers like thin ice.
Now my pace is an easy sail. No more racing, which makes for less stop signs. Or, maybe this less hectic stride just makes them seem further apart.
Showing posts with label lessons learned. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lessons learned. Show all posts
Saturday, November 5, 2016
Friday, September 16, 2016
I Know What I Want
"There were so many things that were right. It was perfect except for..." I made the mental list in my head as I had done before - after I ended it. I laid in bed having woken up an hour and forty-five minutes too early. Pulling Poppy up to me from his favorite spot near my knees, I snuggled up with him. I knew I had used that phrase before. "It was perfect except for [fill in the blank as appropriate to each relationship].
It was perfect except for when he drank.
It was perfect except for when he used drugs.
It was perfect except for when he brought up his ex.
The thing is, I learned so much from each of these men. I learned about life, about human behavior, about addiction to the bottle, the pill, and another person. (Yes, I believe we can be addicted to people that aren't good for us.) All negative attachments that for their own reasons these men carried on their backs and in their hearts.
I also learned about me and I grew and I changed. I became healthier; I became more "me" for having known these men. They weren't always easy lessons. As a matter of fact, some were heartbreaking. But, it was worth it and I am not sorry about them.
For the longest time I didn't understand the concept of love. Why did we look for love? Why is it natural for some but not for all to want a mate? Occam's Razor, people. It really isn't that complicated. This is how we were designed.
Now I am solid, healthy, and happy. I recognize the signs. I know who I am, what I want and I am being patient. I am doing my utmost to walk in love and not in fear.
It is still dark in my bedroom. I pull Poppy close and kiss his sweet head. I feel full. I know what I want.
It was perfect except for when he drank.
It was perfect except for when he used drugs.
It was perfect except for when he brought up his ex.
The thing is, I learned so much from each of these men. I learned about life, about human behavior, about addiction to the bottle, the pill, and another person. (Yes, I believe we can be addicted to people that aren't good for us.) All negative attachments that for their own reasons these men carried on their backs and in their hearts.
I also learned about me and I grew and I changed. I became healthier; I became more "me" for having known these men. They weren't always easy lessons. As a matter of fact, some were heartbreaking. But, it was worth it and I am not sorry about them.
For the longest time I didn't understand the concept of love. Why did we look for love? Why is it natural for some but not for all to want a mate? Occam's Razor, people. It really isn't that complicated. This is how we were designed.
Now I am solid, healthy, and happy. I recognize the signs. I know who I am, what I want and I am being patient. I am doing my utmost to walk in love and not in fear.
It is still dark in my bedroom. I pull Poppy close and kiss his sweet head. I feel full. I know what I want.
Saturday, November 1, 2014
They are Watching
I still haven't bought a new used car so this morning it was time once again to take the Taurus in for an oil change and tire rotation. So far it is still holding itself together probably through my own sheer will power. Happy thoughts! Happy thoughts!
While sitting in the waiting area for my turn to check out, ahead of me was a woman with a Russian accent and her daughter that was probably around 5 years old. The petite little girl with dark hair and eyes was very well behaved. Her mother stepped up to the counter to pay for the service while she sat in a nearby chair playing with her fuzzy stuffed toy talking to it so quietly her voice couldn't be heard. Her mother sounded a lot like Natasha from The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show but more melodic.
The discussion became a little louder between the service representative and the mother. There was a disagreement over how many dollars were on her dealership member account. She thought there were way more than what he found. It was about a $50 difference so the mom had to pay more out-of-pocket than she previously thought. While they did get a bit louder, it was still respectful on both sides and amicably resolved. What neither of them knew was that the little girl, perched in the chair behind them, watched and listened to the whole conservation.
This quiet little girl looked from Mom to Rep back and forth. As I watched her watching them, I could tell she was calculating their emotional statuses. Should she be uneasy or is everything okay? What is Mom doing? How is Mom talking? Will this get worse or should she remain calm? As her mother and the service rep worked it out, the girl stayed status quo. Neither of the parties were agitated so neither was the girl. She continued to feel safe throughout and when the mother turned around to gather her daughter and leave all continued to be well.
What the mother couldn't know was that she had just given her daughter an excellent example of how one behaves in circumstances of differing opinions. Her daughter watched intently as both parties talked through the issue. While neither one backed down from their realities, there was compromise. No yelling. No name calling. No finger pointing. The mother, just by being herself, showed her daughter how to properly handle oneself. It was okay to disagree. Nothing bad will happen.
Children learn by example.
Every day we are examples to others whether we realize it or not. How we handle ourselves, what we say, our body language. There are people watching us including little children calculating whether they should model themselves after us or not.
While sitting in the waiting area for my turn to check out, ahead of me was a woman with a Russian accent and her daughter that was probably around 5 years old. The petite little girl with dark hair and eyes was very well behaved. Her mother stepped up to the counter to pay for the service while she sat in a nearby chair playing with her fuzzy stuffed toy talking to it so quietly her voice couldn't be heard. Her mother sounded a lot like Natasha from The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show but more melodic.
The discussion became a little louder between the service representative and the mother. There was a disagreement over how many dollars were on her dealership member account. She thought there were way more than what he found. It was about a $50 difference so the mom had to pay more out-of-pocket than she previously thought. While they did get a bit louder, it was still respectful on both sides and amicably resolved. What neither of them knew was that the little girl, perched in the chair behind them, watched and listened to the whole conservation.
This quiet little girl looked from Mom to Rep back and forth. As I watched her watching them, I could tell she was calculating their emotional statuses. Should she be uneasy or is everything okay? What is Mom doing? How is Mom talking? Will this get worse or should she remain calm? As her mother and the service rep worked it out, the girl stayed status quo. Neither of the parties were agitated so neither was the girl. She continued to feel safe throughout and when the mother turned around to gather her daughter and leave all continued to be well.
What the mother couldn't know was that she had just given her daughter an excellent example of how one behaves in circumstances of differing opinions. Her daughter watched intently as both parties talked through the issue. While neither one backed down from their realities, there was compromise. No yelling. No name calling. No finger pointing. The mother, just by being herself, showed her daughter how to properly handle oneself. It was okay to disagree. Nothing bad will happen.
Children learn by example.
Every day we are examples to others whether we realize it or not. How we handle ourselves, what we say, our body language. There are people watching us including little children calculating whether they should model themselves after us or not.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Blood Letting
I took a friend out to lunch today. Walking back to the car after eating, I saw on the ground a little Japanese doll pendant. It is made out of plastic or rubber. Some kind of material that is squishy, yet firm. I took it as a sign of good luck coming my way.
I have been struggling a long time. My whole life, actually. I made decisions based upon emotional needs. I wanted to do things my way. I needed control. I couldn't let things go. Last year I made a decision to not ride the merry-go-round anymore. I was tired of the same lessons visiting me over and over again because I didn't want to learn. That involved deep protracted surgery on my psyche and what stopped me in the past was knowing how painful that would be. The thing is is that I also knew I couldn't continue to live my life the way I had been.
It wasn't going to be an overnight excursion but instead a long distance voyage into really seeing myself. What did I need to change? What did I need to do differently? I never EVER wanted to run around the same circle again so I pushed when I wanted to give up. I ran when all I wanted was to inch along on my hands and knees. I allowed the knife of truth to open me up and I bled.
I'm still learning but the hardest part is over. Recently a situation presented itself that I knew I had to handle much differently than I would have before. I made sure to not repeat old patterns. I consciously made the decision to think and act differently. Instead of drama and hurt, there is peace.
The tiny infections in retreat is the physical representation of the healing of my heart. The tiny Japanese doll pendant is a gift; a representation of future good luck.
*************
I have been struggling a long time. My whole life, actually. I made decisions based upon emotional needs. I wanted to do things my way. I needed control. I couldn't let things go. Last year I made a decision to not ride the merry-go-round anymore. I was tired of the same lessons visiting me over and over again because I didn't want to learn. That involved deep protracted surgery on my psyche and what stopped me in the past was knowing how painful that would be. The thing is is that I also knew I couldn't continue to live my life the way I had been.
It wasn't going to be an overnight excursion but instead a long distance voyage into really seeing myself. What did I need to change? What did I need to do differently? I never EVER wanted to run around the same circle again so I pushed when I wanted to give up. I ran when all I wanted was to inch along on my hands and knees. I allowed the knife of truth to open me up and I bled.
I'm still learning but the hardest part is over. Recently a situation presented itself that I knew I had to handle much differently than I would have before. I made sure to not repeat old patterns. I consciously made the decision to think and act differently. Instead of drama and hurt, there is peace.
*************
I had an appointment with my doctor's assistant this past Friday. Tiny infections, the size of single pores, kept popping up in different places on my skin. Antibiotic ointment didn't cure them. Anti-fungal cream was keeping them under control. For at least a couple of months I had been feeling awful. Tired. Wanting to sleep. Achy. I told the nurse and showed her the weird examples of what I had no name. She ended up prescribing a month long course of antibiotics made specifically for bacterial infections. I started it yesterday. When taken on an empty stomach, this drug makes me so nauseous I want to puke. Now I take it with food which isn't the preferred way but if I want to function the only way. I am already feeling better and doing better. She was right about what was happening inside of my body. I listened to her and relied on her knowledge.
*************
Monday, February 24, 2014
Hope, not fear
Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in the middle of a tornado and the air is being sucked out of my lungs by the pressure of the whipping winds, my hair stinging my face. Sometimes I feel like I am standing on a backwoods country road in the middle of a dark night walking blind feeling my way forward inch by inch not knowing what is ahead. Sometimes I am under water, anchor tied to my ankle, looking up at the line between sea and air.
It is hope that keeps me going, not fear. Hope is reaching into my front pants pocket, feeling for the coins gotten by learned lessons I sweated and wept tears to earn. The scar around my neck a badge of courage and proof I know how to fight. I take out my sword of honor and hold it high as I will not be defeated. My cloak is peace woven with strands of joy. My crown is hope. I will be brave through the wind and the night.
It is hope that keeps me going, not fear. Hope is reaching into my front pants pocket, feeling for the coins gotten by learned lessons I sweated and wept tears to earn. The scar around my neck a badge of courage and proof I know how to fight. I take out my sword of honor and hold it high as I will not be defeated. My cloak is peace woven with strands of joy. My crown is hope. I will be brave through the wind and the night.
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