I Know What I Want

"There were so many things that were right. It was perfect except for..." I made the mental list in my head as I had done before - after I ended it. I laid in bed having woken up an hour and forty-five minutes too early. Pulling Poppy up to me from his favorite spot near my knees, I snuggled up with him.  I knew I had used that phrase before. "It was perfect except for [fill in the blank as appropriate to each relationship]. 

It was perfect except for when he drank.

It was perfect except for when he used drugs.

It was perfect except for when he brought up his ex.

The thing is, I learned so much from each of these men. I learned about life, about human behavior, about addiction to the bottle, the pill, and another person. (Yes, I believe we can be addicted to people that aren't good for us.) All negative attachments that for their own reasons these men carried on their backs and in their hearts.

I also learned about me and I grew and I changed. I became healthier; I became more "me" for having known these men. They weren't always easy lessons. As a matter of fact, some were heartbreaking. But, it was worth it and I am not sorry about them.

For the longest time I didn't understand the concept of love. Why did we look for love? Why is it natural for some but not for all to want a mate? Occam's Razor, people. It really isn't that complicated. This is how we were designed.

Now I am solid, healthy, and happy. I recognize the signs. I know who I am, what I want and I am being patient. I am doing my utmost to walk in love and not in fear.

It is still dark in my bedroom. I pull Poppy close and kiss his sweet head. I feel full. I know what I want.