Fear is your Master

You pull yourself up out of the water only to jump back in again. Your clothes barely have a chance to dry. You tie the weights around your own ankles and then kick them off. You don't know what you want. You've been in this play way too long. The lights, the music, the script. It is all very familiar to you. You know when to drag yourself out from the deep and crawl back into the sunlight. You know how to free yourself but only do it for a few blinks of your eyes. To do it longer is unfamiliar and scary. Old patterns, old ways. They don't serve you well anymore but you won't let go of what you know. Fear. Fear is your master instead of life! There is fresh air to be breathed. New places to see. Instead, you jump back in going down to the depths the weights pulling you down. Down. Down. Until you can't hold your breath any longer and free yourself once more. Be courageous next time. Don't tie the weights back on. Allow yourself to dream. To dream of happiness and a future with love and lightness. Careless and free.

What If...My Dear Sir

You have managed to weave a beautiful fantasy, my dear Sir.
How many fish have you caught in your net?
Wide eyed does daring to look
Muscles quivering ready to break into a run
Aware of the danger but unable to move.
As they stare into your eyes
That stare back at them
Promising warmth by the fire.

The fire of your soul that promises to make them whole, my dear Sir.
The mysterious music that tinkles gaily from your open mouth with your white teeth
Hypnotizes their minds while the shadows from the fire
Dance upon your beautifully painted work of art.

If you find my pulse
If you make me yours
If I fell under your spell
Would I feel all of those
Things that you promise I will?

Would you protect me from harm
Would you make me laugh
Would you hold me with strength
But not crush me with might?

What if you......
What if I.......
What if.......

Hurry, my dear Sir.

Vanity

And when you look up at the stars, what do you see?  Do you see unending galaxies and universes and lives that are lived far far away?  Do you see your destiny?  Do you see that you are a mere speck, a teeny dot on a small planet?

I used to fly to Florida on average 2 times a year.  I miss it, in a way.  It was a luxury.  I could get away from the usual and be free.  Part of what I miss seeing is the earth from above.  Above the clouds.  Above the weather.  Above daily cares.  There is no turbulence at that height.

Life's perspective is different from above.  No streets.  No people.  The first time I watched the beginning of the movie Contact, I held my breath.  At least it felt that way.  I watched myself pulled backward further and further and further away from Earth my perspective changing and my mind forced into continually adjusting.

We are so small and look at the havoc our small selves are able to create. Horrible atrocities are manifested in the name of some god.  Why is it easier to live in fear than walk in love?

I have theories but no answers.

Slow down.  Take the time to drift up.  No matter what life is like now, it won't always be this way be it better, be it worse, or just different.  All you control is what you do now.  When you make peace with that, your perspective changes.

Not Again

It was just another morning at work.  Pete, the maintenance man extraordinaire, and I were talking while he was collecting the kitchen garbage to be hauled out to the street for pick-up.  I have no idea why I did this or what prompted me to do it but without thinking I reached up with my right hand to touch a spot on the left lower part of my neck.  I felt a small lump.  A nodule which shouldn't be there.  WTF.  I kept my finger on it and asked Pete, as he was walking the garbage to the front door, if he would take a look at it.  He said "Sure" because that is the kind of guy Pete is.  We got close to the window and I took my finger off of the spot.  Pete said, "Yeah.  I see something.  You can see it.  It's a little lump."  To which I replied, "Is it under a scar?"  Pete said, "No."

I thanked him and said out loud to no one that now I had to call my doctor.

I don't want to go through this again.

I walked into my office, grabbed my purse, and pulled out my wallet to look for my endocrinologist's business card.  I was panicking.  My emotional response was immediate.

Felicia, one of my co-workers fantastico, walked over to my office and stopped at the door.  I told her what was going on and yes, I started tearing up.

I don't want to go through this again.

Felicia is an excellent listener.  When I apologized for my obvious loss of control of my emotions, she said if it were her she would be doing the same thing.  I shouldn't worry about it.  She didn't pepper with me with questions I couldn't answer but instead let me talk and made it clear to me that she understood.  She was supportive without going overboard and didn't fall apart with me.

After digging around I had to admit to myself that I didn't have the doc's business card so I went online.  Through all of this Felicia stood by until I picked up the phone to call his office.

I feel better because of Felicia.  I don't know that I will have to go through this again.

I got through to the office and after explaining the situation to the woman that answered the phone she passed me on to my doctor's nurse, Melissa....I think.  I am so bad with names.  She pulled up my chart and started asking me questions.  What was the size of it?  Where exactly was it located?  In order to answer that question I had to walk to the bathroom and look in the mirror.  I kept leaving the bathroom and she would have another question and I kept having to walk back in.  We ended up laughing about it because she could hear me opening the bathroom door over and over.  She tried to catch Dr. Lupo (yes, like the wolf) between patients but wasn't successful so she said she would have to call me back.

Felicia staunched the emotional bleeding some more simply by listening to me as I tried to busy myself as I waited.  I didn't know if Dr. Lupo would see me or if he would send me to my primary care first.  After a few minutes she and I went back to our respective offices.  It wasn't too long a wait when my cell phone rang.

Hope.  Please good news.

It was the original woman that answered the phone asking me if I could come in at 4 pm as Dr. Lupo wants to see me and perform an ultrasound, too.  Felicia had walked to the door of her office and was looking at me.  "Yes", I said.  "I can come in at 4."  Felicia nodded in agreement.  The woman reiterated it was today at 4 pm and I reconfirmed.

Hope, not fear

Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in the middle of a tornado and the air is being sucked out of my lungs by the pressure of the whipping winds, my hair stinging my face.  Sometimes I feel like I am standing on a backwoods country road in the middle of a dark night walking blind feeling my way forward inch by inch not knowing what is ahead.  Sometimes I am under water, anchor tied to my ankle, looking up at the line between sea and air.

It is hope that keeps me going, not fear.  Hope is reaching into my front pants pocket, feeling for the coins gotten by learned lessons I sweated and wept tears to earn. The scar around my neck a badge of courage and proof I know how to fight.  I take out my sword of honor and hold it high as I will not be defeated.  My cloak is peace woven with strands of joy.  My crown is hope.  I will be brave through the wind and the night.

As You Open the Door

As you open the door to me
I tentatively walk over the threshold
Into your house
Hoping that I will not have regrets

I have tasted your flesh
And seen a piece of your heart
Your body has mixed with mine
I hope I will not have regrets

For surely this is the answer
This is the man
That was waiting for me
That was calling for me
From when I was far away

Now that I am close
Now that I have walked through his door
I want to feel safe; I need to feel safe
Hoping that I will not have regrets

I have shared so much of my soul
I have given so much of my body
My bruised heart is beating anew
I hope I will not have regrets

For surely this is the answer
This is the man
That was waiting for me
That was calling for me
From when I was far away