What are you doing right now?

If you are still mad at someone, your feelings are still hurt. It is when you have let go that you won't feel anything but peace.

I know that letting go means you have to give up the connection and feelings associated with this person. Joys or heartbreaks. It doesn't matter.  Do you want peace? Then let go of self-righteousness, too. How does one let go? One lives in the present. Every time you allow your thoughts to grind in the past, you are back there! No one but you is being tortured.

So - let go. Even though the past might be easier and the future is unknown. We do have the present. What are you doing right now?

Fear is your Master

You pull yourself up out of the water only to jump back in again. Your clothes barely have a chance to dry. You tie the weights around your own ankles and then kick them off. You don't know what you want. You've been in this play way too long. The lights, the music, the script. It is all very familiar to you. You know when to drag yourself out from the deep and crawl back into the sunlight. You know how to free yourself but only do it for a few blinks of your eyes. To do it longer is unfamiliar and scary. Old patterns, old ways. They don't serve you well anymore but you won't let go of what you know. Fear. Fear is your master instead of life! There is fresh air to be breathed. New places to see. Instead, you jump back in going down to the depths the weights pulling you down. Down. Down. Until you can't hold your breath any longer and free yourself once more. Be courageous next time. Don't tie the weights back on. Allow yourself to dream. To dream of happiness and a future with love and lightness. Careless and free.

Finishing this is like trying to get the last bit of gum out of my hair

At first it was a bright shiny pack of gum and I thought how wonderful!  I wanted to try each flavor and took my time unwrapping each stick.  With excitement and anticipation I opened my mouth welcoming each new delight not spitting out the old.  

Eventually I had a huge wad of gum in my mouth that, as time went on, became harder and harder to chew.  Then the taste that initially was so special started to fade away until I grew to dislike the taste of the mass in my mouth. 

I could no longer talk around all of the sticks of gum in my mouth so I opened wide and pulled the lump out.  My jaw hurt but having the space back in my mouth was glorious.  I rested.

I flicked the ball of goo into the trash can but some of it stuck to my fingers.  I worked hard to get it off and when I swiped at the sweat on my forehead some of it stuck to my bangs. 

I rubbed and rubbed and worked at the gum on my fingertips until each little fragment was in the trash.  I looked in the mirror searching out the last bits stuck in my hair.  With a gob of peanut butter I worked on loosing the final speck of gum.  When it finally detached from me, holding it in my fingers I stared at it remembering how good it tasted when I first popped it in my mouth and how glad I now was to finally be rid of it. 

I flicked that in the garbage, too, and turned on the kitchen faucet to wash my hands of you.

Giving Up

Giving up is the beginning of freedom.
Dying to want is the beginning of love.
Letting go is the beginning of living.

It is not by my hand that I shall live.
Although I have considered it, it is not by my hand I shall die.
If I run alongside the river of truth
I will always know my path.

Each day when the flag is lowered and taps is played
Each night when my head rests upon my pillow
I will be done for that day.
I shall not carry the worst or the best to bed with me as they will rot
And I do not wish to entangle myself between the sheets with what is done and gone.

When my bare feet touch the floor
While the birds of the morn are calling
I will lean forward into the new day
To practice.  To maybe get it right.

Stained with Red

I never asked you to change for me, to make my life better.  I thought it all would come naturally and a little of it did but it didn't last.  How can I know you if you don't know yourself?  The evil twins and their handmaiden surrounded you.  Your past clung to you like a dying man to a stick in the water wanting to use you to keep it alive.

How is it that my heart still bleeds for you?  For you?  I don't even know you.  The real you.  How is it that the pain of loss is still alive?  I keep thinking I have pulled the knife out only to look down and discover it is still there.  Just a little messier.  The handle a little more stained with red.

And Still

And still
It is no more
We are no more
Waiting for the memories to fade
From sharp to dull
Waiting for the distance to grow
From close to far
Waiting for the pain to cease
From wicked to sweet

I turn my head to the past
Looking back and seeing
What lacked.

I turn my head to the fore
Looking ahead and seeing
What?  More?

Inside room is made
For the music of rest
As Healing knits and sews
Weaves soft light
Into the fabric of my soul.

Alone with Time
Time for the rest
For the peace
So that forward becomes
Now
With a wholeness
A fullness
Awash in cool waters
Springing from the union
Of equality, peace, love, and
Harmony
Understanding, knowing, seeing
Time will bring it.
A bouquet of flowers in a basket.
Time will know
When to let the water flow.

I Bet You Don't Even Care

My aunt passed away this morning.
I'm so sad.
You were supposed to be here.
I bet you don't even care.

You left months ago.
So hard to let go.
I should hate you but I don't.
My mind is willing but my heart won't.
I bet you don't even care.

Let go. I said let go!

Learning to let go is proving to be a lesson I keep circling back to and each time I do so I want to kick my own ass for forgetting that I need to do it!  Life is so much simpler when one lets go.  I don't need to control everything.  Life does not fall apart if I don't orchestrate it.  

There is a horseback riding term called "giving the horse his/her head".  When a rider does this, the rider loosens the reigns so that the horse, instead of being directed by the rider, directs itself.  In sticky situations a rider will allow the horse to guide them through.  The rider recognizes when this is necessary and at the appropriate time takes the reigns back.  I need to learn to recognize under what circumstances it is right to loosen or tighten my grip.

Letting go doesn't mean not taking responsibility.  It doesn't mean I don't have to do anything or make any decisions.  It does mean that I don't always have to be the band leader coordinating the instruments so that they are playing the same tune that is echoing inside my head.  I don't always have to be right.  Letting go isn't hard when I remind myself that when I do it I am less burdened, less stressed, more at peace, and the sound of gears grinding ceases. 

Letting go means acknowledging that the other person is right.....and I am not.  Oh, how that bruises my ego but on the other hand why would I think I should always be right?  Who is always right?  That's another burden from which I need to be released.  Why did I create all of these obnoxiously impossible rules for me to follow?  I don't need them anymore.

I've been carrying around a whole bunch of unnecessary tools in my tool belt and with each step they were either banging into one of my thighs, pressing into my waist, or tripping me up.  I'm working towards detaching each troublesome tool and tossing it behind me as I go so that as I move forward it is forever in my past.