Changing

I've been doing quite a bit of work on myself lately.  That's one reason I have been so quiet for so long.  I have had to take more than a few steps back and honestly come to grips with who I am, who I want to be in the future, and what I believe in. 

Who I am.  I always thought of myself as this dominant kind of woman that knew what she wanted and actively pursued her interests.  Well, the joke was on me!  While my intelligence, creativity, and mindfulness are cornerstones of my personality, I have come to realize that I have lied to myself for a very long time about what my core is.  I have been forcing myself, even as a young child, to try to fit into the mold that those around me wanted for me, needed me to be for themselves, instead of listening to myself and allowing me to just be, well, me.  As I make the adjustments I am like one tweaking the old fashioned radio dial where one had to carefully and slowly twist the dial left and right until the incoming signal was as clear as possible.  Sometimes I overcompensate and sometimes I under compensate but for all of the travail I am more at peace than I ever can remember feeling.  I no longer experience the undercurrent of anxiety of round hole square peg.

Who I want to be in the future.  I think I now have a pretty good idea of who I really am.  It's tough being honest with oneself.  It's also tough turning off those old autopilots and scripts.  Reacting instead of stopping, thinking, and assessing is much easier but it will only keep one on the merry-go-round.  Up and down and up and down.  I wanted off.  I needed off.  It's scary out here but the scenery is much more interesting.

What I believe in.  I always believed in God.  I was born a Jew, freshman year in college I learned about Jesus and believed in Him, and am now reading up on Buddhism.  I am leaning more towards a Higher Power and/or Creator of the Universe than what some call God, some call Jesus, others call Allah......I could go on and on with the names humanity has given to this Power.  I believe it exists, I'm just not sure what and/or who it is exactly.  I'm not all that worried about labeling it.  I'm just learning.  Once again, I am at peace.

So, I guess I'll be writing more about this journey as I walk it.  It can be painful at times but it has also brought me much joy and freedom.