It's all a Part of the Ride

Because of the thyroid cancer, I had to come to terms with changes that took place with my body including all of the things that happened prior to the diagnosis and then the results of the various treatments. Then, I had to learn to live with the repercussions from a closed head injury. To quote Vice President Dan Quayle:

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

That was my life for nearly 2 years as I healed. 

As I get closer to being 60 years old, I see the signs of aging. Amazingly enough, having my hair go grey is not one of them. It is a salt and pepper mix and still dark. One of the things my father gave me.

What I am noticing that is bothering me is the differences I am seeing in my skin. When I run one hand down my arm and over the top of my other hand, I see ripples. Lines form in response to the pressure and then disappear. My skin is telling me I am older.

I don't feel older in a lot of ways. I still have so much fun when my inner child still runs the show, especially at the local amusement center. I enjoy playing air hockey, Down the Clown, ICE Ball FX Alley Roller, and the video game House of the Dead 2. Having had to live with the complications of reality, I know the importance of letting loose and playing, of being a child.

 A small child only has to be, grow, and learn. Even though my body is exhibiting signs that I am nearing 60, I am still being, growing, and learning. I am still having fun and cutting loose. I have gained insight, maturity, and truth. While I am always working on my humanity, I am able to say that I love myself unconditionally. 

Abuse, neglect, and ignorance ravages the mind, body, and soul. Love heals, secures, and creates warmth. In order to grow and learn, I have experienced all of it. This aging process is miraculous until eventually, the body dies and when we are ready, we start it all over again.


Last Friday at work, a conversation I had with 2 of my coworkers worked its way to the topic of the funeral/mourning process. There is a small island, that when a loved one dies, they build a funeral pyre and watch as the fire consumes the dead body. Because of the type of accelerant used, it is fast and hot. Once complete, the ashes are gathered and most often walked to the beach and thrown to the sea. The grievers participate in the ritual and experience closure.

Jews stand and watch as the casket is lowered into the ground. Then, by hand, trowel, or shovel, they take dirt from a nearby pile and drop it onto the coffin, which is now secured in the earth. It is quiet so all hear the dirt as it lands on the wood. The mourners are helping to fill the grave. It is the end and again, this physical experience provides closure.

Both of these processes engage the mourners' senses. Grief and death are to be acknowledged and experienced. 

The changes I am seeing in my body are forcing me to do the same. I am forced to admit I am not going to live in this body forever. This life as Nancy will be over one day and I am closer to that now than I was before.

Play, love, mourn, learn. Open yourself up to possibilities that you thought were out of your reach. Widen your life. Respect yourself. Accept yourself. And as you witness your physical changes, accept them as sign posts that the ride at the fair does come to an end. So, experience the highs, lows, twists, and turns with open eyes as you tightly grip the grab bar. Smile, laugh, scream. It's all a part of the ride.

 

Go Play Outside

My neighborhood may be the home of the working poor, drug dealers, and people just trying to make it through life but tonight I had a smile on my face because I live here.  It is also proof that time presses on whether we like it or are ready for it.

A retired policeman used to live kitty corner to me on the right.  I noticed what I surmised to be home healthcare workers come and go.  Then I saw what looked like family members buzzing about the house and his yard and figured the old man either died or they moved him to a nursing home or hospice.  Eventually younger people moved in and I lost track of who was permanent and who was transient.  After a few months I saw regulars and they included children.

A man in an electric wheelchair used to live kitty corner to me on the left in the front apartment of a house that had been divided up.  I hadn't seen him around in awhile then one morning when I was taking Poppy out I saw the landlord and some other folks taking things from in the apartment and putting them in the front yard to sell.  The landlord told me the man was very sick and in hospice with no prognosis of recovery.  Soon after new tenants moved in and they included children.

Now there are 5 to 6 kids all around 5 to 7 years old living across the street and they play outside together.  Tonight I heard different little voices counting backwards from 10 down to 0 and I figured they were probably playing Hide and Seek.  It made me smile to think that they were enjoying the same game that kids have played forever but now less and less since technology has advanced and become integrated into our lives.  I heard my childhood in their loud voices as they bickered with each other and yet kept counting and playing.  I am sure they don't have their own computers or cell phones.  They have each other and their imaginations, just as I and my friends had.  They don't have play dates.  They just walk down the street and knock on the door or join the kids already outside.  Occasionally one of the parents will step outside and look to make sure everyone is accounted for.  I know all of this because I walk Poppy.

It has been a long time since I have heard children playing childhood games outside in a neighborhood and damn if felt good.  My heart is a little happier because of it.