If anyone is keeping up with my posts, you probably think I am a lunatic with wild mood swings. I am actually someone very hurt from a freshly ended relationship and trying to find solace in writing. It doesn't matter if I write about something funny, something sad, something true, or fiction. If I am writing then I am helping to rid myself of the painful infection that keeps trying to build up in my bloodstream.
I am mad at myself for feeling like this. I should be happy it is over after all I am the one that ended it. For months it had deteriorated until I had to cry uncle. Even so, it is a loss and I must allow myself to grieve and give myself permission to one minute feel riddled with bullet holes and the next laughing. I think part of the problem is I am normally more in control of my emotions and this time they are guiding the ship over rough waters making me seasick.
Thanks for being there. Thanks for sharing my life with me.
I am sorry you have so much stress in your life. Ending relationships takes a very long time to heal from, even trying to make sense of the "why did I get into it" to "what the hell happened" to feeling maybe at fault in some respect. Anyway, we keep going over the past relationship as if it still had a future and it is hard to move on with new goals and dreams. Your writing is awesome and pursuing a creative goal gives us all meaning back into our lives. Your emotions are in a rough place now with the loss of both your relationship and your health concerns...and relationship with Mom. I have found long walks a real stress reliever as well as Hemi-Sync CDs to listen to....and finding your passions, your life's meanings, the existential questions that must be investigated. The crying and laughing...eventually the laughing will be more common than the crying and the crying will become "bitter-sweet" as you ponder your memories. I do not think you are a lunatic. You are a bright, wonderful human being that needs a soft place to fall right now (and I hope you have one) as we all do...so I will send you cyber ((((((HUGS))))) Pim Van Lommel's book "Consciousness After Life" helped me with some of my existential questions and a recent article "The Jewel Behind Quantum Physics". We are all in this together. And my friend with her thyroid cancer is well and happy (and cured) as she has made her five year remission date! Do not lose hope and please accept yourself in your strong moments and your weaker ones; we have been there and they are what make us appreciate the days that are full of sun and sweet breezes and warm rains!!!! Stay the course, girl, stay the course!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou are very sweet and insightful. Thank you so much for your kind and empathetic words. They were a bright spot in my day! Now that the weather has cooled a bit here in Florida I am able to take daily walks and not get back home feeling like I need a long shower. I also listen to Tibetan Chakra medication and brain wave CDs. They help with anxiety and bring me peace.
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