PROLOGUE
She could either stay curled up in a ball on her bed or
start her day. One would lead to
catharsis and the other to more wallowing in the pain she already felt. She looked out the window and saw the sun and
blue sky. The cat, which was perched at
the end of the bed, got up, stretched, meowed, and jumped down. Rose watched the feline haughtily walk out of
the bedroom. If the cat could do it, so
could she.
Today was going to be the start of the end. She unfurled herself and laid her head back
on the pillows. As she looked up at the
ceiling, she claimed this day the end of guilt, the end of remorse, the end of
sorrow, and the end of anger. Her eyes
quickly filled with tears that overflowed onto her cheeks, running down the
sides of her face and tickling her ears as their descent slowed and
pooled. She made no sound as she had
stopped sobbing so long ago. Somehow
someway she was going to make this pain stop.
She was going to find a way.
Rose wiped her face with her hands as she sat up. She had lost weight because she hadn't had
the energy to eat let alone cook anything.
She felt weak and her long brown hair was a mess of tangles. Her t-shirt hung off of her shoulders. Rose lifted her arm, smelled her armpit, and
said, “Gross.”
The cat ran back into the bedroom and flying onto the bed
came to a quick stop in front of Rose.
She couldn't help but laugh and reaching over petted her. Rose loved the sound of her cat’s purr. It was like a little motor boat and the rumble
of it represented happiness.
As she swung her legs over the side of the bed Tim’s picture
on the dresser seemed to jump out at her in 3D. With a sharp intake of breathe, she refused to
again be consumed by her emotions. She
forced her eyes from the photograph to the mirror and this time gasped with
disgust. “Oh my God,” she said as she
turned to her cat. “Lovey, how can you
even look at me?” Lovey answered by
rubbing her head against Rose’s arm.
As she walked to the bathroom she peeled off her t-shirt and
underwear balling them up and throwing them into the already overflowing
hamper. One arm peeked out from under the
lid as if it wasn't ready to say that final goodbye. The tiles of the bathroom floor felt cool
under her feet, solid and sure. Lovey
jumped onto the toilet lid and watched as Rose turned on the shower and tested
the water. Just before climbing in, Rose
reached over and tickled Lovey’s chin.
The spray hit the top of her head as she bowed under its stream
leaning with both hands on the shower wall.
A flash of memory exploded inside her head. “You bitch!”
Tim was slurring his words as spittle sprayed from his lips trying to
intimidate her by crowding her with his body and height. Shit.
Breathe. Breathe through it. Let it happen and then let it pass. And so she did.
Rose walked back into the bedroom naked and still wet from
the shower. She no longer felt dirty but
she knew the memories would still cause her to feel unclean. For how long was anyone’s guess. What did the therapist say? Everyone grieves at his or her own pace. What a crock of shit. Well, maybe it wasn't but she figured she was
partly still in the denial stage slowly crawling into the anger stage. She would rather slide into the acceptance stage
like a baseball player slides into home plate.
Sighing, she thought out loud, “This is hard work.”
With patience, Lovey sat in the wicker chair by the window watching
Rose pick-up the multitude of dirty clothes off of the floor and then tear the filthy
sheets from the bed. The cat only
cracked the whip when hungry.
Rose stuffed everything into the laundry hamper and this
time the lid stayed open like a huge yawn.
Laundry will be the next thing she does.
Right after getting dressed. And
eating. And then blow drying her
hair. Whatever.
As Rose picked out a clean pair of underwear from her
dresser drawer, Tim’s picture assaulted her again. “Dammit!”
She assaulted it back by picking it up and slamming it into the trash
can with such violence that the wooden frame flew apart and the glass
shattered. “Fuck you!” Yep.
The anger phase.
She was breathing hard from the exertion when the next
memory lit up her brain. Fear was squeezing
her hard as she wiped his spittle from her face. Tim’s gait was unsteady as he weaved his way
towards the back door grabbing the car keys nearly ripping the hook out of the
wall at the same time. Rose ran up to
him and demanded he hand them over to her.
He was in no shape to drive. All
at once he was upon her choking her with his free hand. “I am not drunk!”
Clarity, just for a second, hit him. Tim let go of Rose his hand dropping to his
side. She saw remorse and disgust bloom
in his eyes. Quietly he slurred, “I have
to go,” and walked out the door.
Her heart was pounding in her chest and sweat slid from her
brow into her eyes. She realized she was
sitting on the floor and had no idea when that happened. Lovey walked over and meowed as she rubbed
against Rose’s hip. Jeez, she still wasn’t
dressed. Her therapist said she had Post-Traumatic
Stress Disorder with a topping of panic attacks. Rose was learning all sorts of new lingo but
this was not the kind of education she wanted, although she definitely paid for
it.
Sitting at the breakfast nook she drank coffee. The resulting acid in her empty stomach made
her nauseous. Toast would help. Rose ended up eating four slices loaded with
strawberry jam and butter. Mmmmmmmmmm….sugary
sweetness.
Chapter 1
Rose was standing at the kitchen sink washing the dishes
that had been left there from both breakfast and lunch. Calm in her routine, her hands were warm from
the sudsy water. The cotton dress she
wore felt soft on her body and with each gentle gust of wind coming in from the
open side door the dress kissed her legs.
Looking out the kitchen window, she smiled as her gaze took in, once
again, the open fields that were her backyard.
She would never tire of the scene.
It is what she always wanted and as she watched the tall grass sway in
the breeze, peace continued to fill her heart and quiet her mind.
She was lost in thought when she heard his boots on the
porch and then the squeak of the screen door.
The smell of newly cut hay walked in with him and with five quick steps
Jeff was next to her. His right arm
wrapped around her waist and with his left hand he turned off the sink faucet. Kissing her on the cheek and then the back of
her neck, her body relaxed into his.
Jeff had worked outside all day and sunshine clung to his plaid shirt.
“Hey, Girlie,” he said with both arms now holding her around
her waist. They were in their early 40s
but she felt like a teenager again whenever he was close.
“Hey, Big Man. How’s
your day going,” Rose asked as she turned around to face him. He kept her snug in his arms even when she
reached up to unbutton his shirt so that she could run her fingers through his
soft curly chest hair that she loved so much.
Rose then rubbed her face where her fingers had been and inhaled
deeply. Jeff always smelled so good to
her whether just coming in from a hard day’s work outside or fresh from the
shower. She felt Jeff’s kiss on the top
of her head and then his chin as he rested it there. She knew he was looking out the kitchen
window, just as she had been doing, and probably thinking about next week - just
as she had been doing. His surgery
loomed large even though they both tried to not let it ruin their time together
now. With that thought she went from
light to heavy.
Jeff felt the change and taking her by the arms pushed her
away from him just enough to be able to see her face. Automatically she tilted her head up. Looking into his soft brown eyes, her smile
started off as brave and then crumpled.
Rose’s eyes filled with tears even though she wanted so badly to not
give in to the desperation she hated to admit she felt. She couldn’t imagine life without him. After all that she survived, she couldn’t
lose Jeff. All of those times when she forced
herself to keep going when all she wanted to do was lie down and die – she didn’t
know if she would be able to keep going this time. Jeff tucked her protectively under his arm
and they walked down the hall to the bedroom.
Their dog, a big black German Shepard/Black Lab mix named Bill, had
watched the whole thing from under the kitchen table. He got up and padded behind them nails
clicking on the tile floor. It got quiet
again when Bill transitioned to the carpeted hallway. Outside their closed bedroom door, he lied
down and rested his big head between his front paws.
Chapter 2
Turning her head to see the clock, Rose was not surprised
that it was 6:30 pm. She was wide awake
lying in bed next to Jeff. He was a
quiet sleeper and when they first had overnight visits she would check on him
like a mother does her newborn to make sure he was breathing.
The dog had to be let out and fed. Dinner had to be made, too, but she didn't
want to be out from under Jeff’s embrace.
It felt heavy, strong, and good.
Feeling safe, she looked up at the ceiling and let her mind wander.
She was back at her old house in her old kitchen eating the
toast spread with the sweet jam. The
memory, still so vivid even after the decade had passed, made her mouth water so
much she had to swallow. Rose opened her
eyes again, this time to look at Jeff. The
desire to touch his black hair and run her finger down his cheek to his lips immediately
possessed her. Holding the impulse back,
more important than indulging herself was not waking him up. To her, he was the most beautiful man she had
ever seen. Even in the dimness of the
room she could see his end-of-the-day stubble and she didn't have to touch it now
to know its roughness. He had teased her
enough rubbing it against her face. His broad
shoulder made a peak under the summer blanket and she followed the slope to his
slim hip down to his feet. Rose knew
every inch of him. The day he entered
her life, the sun came out on a permanent basis.
From past experience, Rose knew that Bill was just outside
the bedroom door and he needed her care, too.
At the sound of Rose getting out of bed, Bill sat up and
stared at the doorknob willing it to turn and the door to open. Tada! “C’mon,
Bill. Let’s go out,” said Rose as she knelt down on the floor and gave Bill a big hug around is soft furry neck. They walked down the hall together, through
the kitchen, and out the door.
Rose sat in the same wicker chair from way back when as it
was one of the few things she kept from those days and watched Bill make a mad
dash to the nearest bush and unceremoniously lift his leg. It was that eerie but lovely time of early
evening when the day creatures start turning in for the night and the nocturnal
ones are just getting started.
How selfish was it of her that as Jeff faced the surgery he
needed to save his life she was worried about the possibility of how she would
make it without the one she loved.
As Rose watched Bill in the yard, she thought back to Tim.
Chapter 3
She had loved Tim with every molecule of her body. From the first time she saw him something
fantastic and strange happened and she felt complete. Those ever present nagging feelings of
searching for something, needing something she didn't have immediately
disappeared. Rose thought that night
when Tim was so drunk and violent, when he became Mr. Hyde to his Dr. Jekyll, that
night when he drove drunk and died, she died with him. She thought she would never recover from the
loss, the guilt, but mostly the pain.
Her silver lining was that he didn't take anyone else’s life but
his. Even so, the pain was overwhelming. That part of herself that she had finally
found, reveled in as it snapped into place inside the core of her, had been
ripped from her soul. Before meeting Tim
she knew she was missing something undefinable.
After that awful night, she knew exactly what it was and that she would
never have it back. The incompleteness
drilled deeply through her heart and kept going until it gouged a cavern into
her humanity. That was why she had had
trouble leaving her bed. That is why she
hadn't cared if she ate or bathed. Her
cat, Lovey, was the only companionship she could tolerate. Her therapist was the one that pulled her up
and helped her to find herself again.
Jeff was the love she thought she would never have, let
alone try to find. He was gentle and kind
instead of fireworks and cotton candy. He
was strong and brave. He was her cowboy
and although she did not love him in the same way as she had Tim, she loved Jeff
with all of her heart and she knew in her bones that he felt the same way about
her.
Her thoughts had come full circle when she heard Jeff’s
footsteps as he reached the screen door.
He walked as if he were a much larger man. “Hey, Sweetheart. You ok,” he asked as he looked at her through
the mesh.
Rose swiveled in the chair and got up. “Yep.
Hungry?”
Jeff could always tell when she was thinking back to the
time she nearly lost herself. It made
him sad when she tortured herself like that but he would never show her that. He was her rock and he knew that. He also knew that she felt guilty about still
wanting, no, needing him to be strong now, too.
He wanted to be her man and everything that that required. He wanted her and loved her. He needed her as much as he needed to
breath.
Jeff held the screen door open for her and she gave him a
kiss on the cheek as she walked past him into the house. Bill followed behind Rose and Jeff followed behind
Bill and closed the door behind them.
EPILOGUE
Rose stiffly sat on a puffy chair in the waiting area that some
decorator tried to make cozy. It was
still the hospital and she was still waiting to hear from Jeff’s surgeon so no
amount of dreamy colors or soft furniture was ever going to be cozy or
comfortable. She stopped drinking coffee
hours ago and switched to diet soda.
When that lost its allure, she sipped on bottled water. The TV was blah, blah, blah and when she
tried reading the words made no sense.
She looked out the window and wished she could at least pace the
sidewalk but if she did that she would probably miss the doctor’s arrival. She hadn't felt this kind of anxiety for many
years and was trying to remember the tricks her therapist had taught her.
Upon hearing her name being called, Rose turned away from the window. She saw that it was Jeff’s
doctor and he was smiling.
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