Yes, Again

Dr. Lupo is always late to his appointments.  I resigned myself to that fact when I first starting seeing him.  On the other hand, he never rushes in and rushes out.  He spends as much time with you as needed and you never feel like you are a pain in the ass to him.  He is slightly built with sharp features and a sharp wit.  Here is the doctor that watches me for signs of cancer and he always has me laughing.  An office visit with the potential of feeling like a wake is instead filled with his bright personality that doesn't allow the darkness to squeeze itself in.

I have answered all of the required questions and filled out the forms on the clipboard.  I've been weighed and brought back to one of the exam rooms and told it was a temporary pit stop because I will be moved to the room with the ultrasound equipment shortly.  While waiting, I read my book and it helps me remove myself from the current situation, but not for long.  I reach over to the left side of my neck with my right hand and find the nodule.  OK.  It's still there and I didn't imagine it.  It hasn't miraculously disappeared.  I am right to be here.

The nurse comes in, retrieves me, and we walk to the exam room with the ultrasound equipment and I am told that Dr. Lupo will be in soon to see me.  We all know it will be more than a few minutes so I hunker down again, find my place in the book, and continue reading.

There is the quiet knock on the door and in walks my doc.  I once again notice his black hair and slender fingers.  His smile softens his features and puts me at ease.  I do believe he must have changed barbers or hairdressers because I really like the way his hair is cut but I don't have the nerve to broach the topic.  It would probably come out all wrong and then I would be stepping all over myself trying to dig my way out of an increasingly embarrassing situation.

He thanks me for being there.  Say what?!  You heard right, sister.  He thanked me for coming in.  I try to turn it around and I thank him for making room for me today.  He laughs it off and says, "With your history I said bring her on in.  We'll take a look at what the problem is."

I show him where the nodule is located and he palpates it.  He doesn't think it is a lymph node but lets get the ultrasound going so we have more information.  I move to the table and lie down.  We get under way and he's thinking out loud and tells me so.  I tell him I would rather hear that than nothing.

There appears to be blood flowing through it so he suggests a fine needle biopsy.  I've been through those before and they are far from enjoyable.  Like another solar system away from enjoyable.  I would say galaxy but that would be pushing it.

He gets his nurse in the room and jokes are flying and I can't help but laugh which gets his nurse quietly giggling.  Ice is the numbing agent as the lump in question is close to the surface.  First needle, second needle, third needle.  Done.  I take in a deep breath and let it out.  Dr. Lupo comments, "Well, she's still breathing."  He gives me ice wrapped in gauze and tells me to hold it there while he and his nurse exit.

When they return Dr. Lupo isn't smiling.  He looks worried when he tells me that it is in fact a lymph node and he wants to take one more biopsy and this one will hurt more than the others.  When he left it was to look at some of the material under his own microscope and that is what he discovered.  It is lymph tissue.

I put on my life jacket because the waves have started to crash into the boat and I'll be damned if I am going down.  Ice, needle, pain, done.  Doc then tells me it hurt more because it was a larger gauge needle to get more tissue but he didn't want to scare me.

I will hear something in 3 to 10 days.  If the results are conclusive, it will be closer to the 3 days.  If more testing is needed it will be closer to the 10 days.  His office will call me and either give me the news over the phone or ask me to come in.

In my head there is now a clock with a countdown.  The only time I don't hear it ticking is when I am asleep.  

Roses and Thorns (The completed short story of Rose and Jeff)

PROLOGUE

She could either stay curled up in a ball on her bed or start her day.  One would lead to catharsis and the other to more wallowing in the pain she already felt.  She looked out the window and saw the sun and blue sky.  The cat, which was perched at the end of the bed, got up, stretched, meowed, and jumped down.  Rose watched the feline haughtily walk out of the bedroom.  If the cat could do it, so could she.

Today was going to be the start of the end.  She unfurled herself and laid her head back on the pillows.  As she looked up at the ceiling, she claimed this day the end of guilt, the end of remorse, the end of sorrow, and the end of anger.  Her eyes quickly filled with tears that overflowed onto her cheeks, running down the sides of her face and tickling her ears as their descent slowed and pooled.  She made no sound as she had stopped sobbing so long ago.  Somehow someway she was going to make this pain stop.  She was going to find a way.

Rose wiped her face with her hands as she sat up.  She had lost weight because she hadn't had the energy to eat let alone cook anything.  She felt weak and her long brown hair was a mess of tangles.  Her t-shirt hung off of her shoulders.  Rose lifted her arm, smelled her armpit, and said, “Gross.”

The cat ran back into the bedroom and flying onto the bed came to a quick stop in front of Rose.  She couldn't help but laugh and reaching over petted her.  Rose loved the sound of her cat’s purr.  It was like a little motor boat and the rumble of it represented happiness.

As she swung her legs over the side of the bed Tim’s picture on the dresser seemed to jump out at her in 3D. With a sharp intake of breathe, she refused to again be consumed by her emotions.  She forced her eyes from the photograph to the mirror and this time gasped with disgust.  “Oh my God,” she said as she turned to her cat.  “Lovey, how can you even look at me?”  Lovey answered by rubbing her head against Rose’s arm.

As she walked to the bathroom she peeled off her t-shirt and underwear balling them up and throwing them into the already overflowing hamper.  One arm peeked out from under the lid as if it wasn't ready to say that final goodbye.  The tiles of the bathroom floor felt cool under her feet, solid and sure.  Lovey jumped onto the toilet lid and watched as Rose turned on the shower and tested the water.  Just before climbing in, Rose reached over and tickled Lovey’s chin.

The spray hit the top of her head as she bowed under its stream leaning with both hands on the shower wall.  A flash of memory exploded inside her head.  “You bitch!”  Tim was slurring his words as spittle sprayed from his lips trying to intimidate her by crowding her with his body and height.  Shit.  Breathe.  Breathe through it.  Let it happen and then let it pass.  And so she did.

Rose walked back into the bedroom naked and still wet from the shower.  She no longer felt dirty but she knew the memories would still cause her to feel unclean.  For how long was anyone’s guess.  What did the therapist say?  Everyone grieves at his or her own pace.  What a crock of shit.  Well, maybe it wasn't but she figured she was partly still in the denial stage slowly crawling into the anger stage.  She would rather slide into the acceptance stage like a baseball player slides into home plate.  Sighing, she thought out loud, “This is hard work.”

With patience, Lovey sat in the wicker chair by the window watching Rose pick-up the multitude of dirty clothes off of the floor and then tear the filthy sheets from the bed.  The cat only cracked the whip when hungry.

Rose stuffed everything into the laundry hamper and this time the lid stayed open like a huge yawn.  Laundry will be the next thing she does.  Right after getting dressed.  And eating.  And then blow drying her hair.  Whatever.

As Rose picked out a clean pair of underwear from her dresser drawer, Tim’s picture assaulted her again.  “Dammit!”  She assaulted it back by picking it up and slamming it into the trash can with such violence that the wooden frame flew apart and the glass shattered.  “Fuck you!”  Yep.  The anger phase.

She was breathing hard from the exertion when the next memory lit up her brain.  Fear was squeezing her hard as she wiped his spittle from her face.  Tim’s gait was unsteady as he weaved his way towards the back door grabbing the car keys nearly ripping the hook out of the wall at the same time.  Rose ran up to him and demanded he hand them over to her.  He was in no shape to drive.  All at once he was upon her choking her with his free hand.  “I am not drunk!”

Clarity, just for a second, hit him.  Tim let go of Rose his hand dropping to his side.  She saw remorse and disgust bloom in his eyes.  Quietly he slurred, “I have to go,” and walked out the door.

Her heart was pounding in her chest and sweat slid from her brow into her eyes.  She realized she was sitting on the floor and had no idea when that happened.  Lovey walked over and meowed as she rubbed against Rose’s hip.  Jeez, she still wasn’t dressed.  Her therapist said she had Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder with a topping of panic attacks.  Rose was learning all sorts of new lingo but this was not the kind of education she wanted, although she definitely paid for it.

Sitting at the breakfast nook she drank coffee.  The resulting acid in her empty stomach made her nauseous.  Toast would help.  Rose ended up eating four slices loaded with strawberry jam and butter.  Mmmmmmmmmm….sugary sweetness.

Chapter 1

Rose was standing at the kitchen sink washing the dishes that had been left there from both breakfast and lunch.  Calm in her routine, her hands were warm from the sudsy water.  The cotton dress she wore felt soft on her body and with each gentle gust of wind coming in from the open side door the dress kissed her legs.  Looking out the kitchen window, she smiled as her gaze took in, once again, the open fields that were her backyard.  She would never tire of the scene.  It is what she always wanted and as she watched the tall grass sway in the breeze, peace continued to fill her heart and quiet her mind.

She was lost in thought when she heard his boots on the porch and then the squeak of the screen door.  The smell of newly cut hay walked in with him and with five quick steps Jeff was next to her.  His right arm wrapped around her waist and with his left hand he turned off the sink faucet.  Kissing her on the cheek and then the back of her neck, her body relaxed into his.  Jeff had worked outside all day and sunshine clung to his plaid shirt.

“Hey, Girlie,” he said with both arms now holding her around her waist.  They were in their early 40s but she felt like a teenager again whenever he was close.

“Hey, Big Man.  How’s your day going,” Rose asked as she turned around to face him.  He kept her snug in his arms even when she reached up to unbutton his shirt so that she could run her fingers through his soft curly chest hair that she loved so much.  Rose then rubbed her face where her fingers had been and inhaled deeply.  Jeff always smelled so good to her whether just coming in from a hard day’s work outside or fresh from the shower.  She felt Jeff’s kiss on the top of her head and then his chin as he rested it there.  She knew he was looking out the kitchen window, just as she had been doing, and probably thinking about next week - just as she had been doing.  His surgery loomed large even though they both tried to not let it ruin their time together now.  With that thought she went from light to heavy.

Jeff felt the change and taking her by the arms pushed her away from him just enough to be able to see her face.  Automatically she tilted her head up.  Looking into his soft brown eyes, her smile started off as brave and then crumpled.  Rose’s eyes filled with tears even though she wanted so badly to not give in to the desperation she hated to admit she felt.  She couldn’t imagine life without him.  After all that she survived, she couldn’t lose Jeff.  All of those times when she forced herself to keep going when all she wanted to do was lie down and die – she didn’t know if she would be able to keep going this time.  Jeff tucked her protectively under his arm and they walked down the hall to the bedroom.  Their dog, a big black German Shepard/Black Lab mix named Bill, had watched the whole thing from under the kitchen table.  He got up and padded behind them nails clicking on the tile floor.  It got quiet again when Bill transitioned to the carpeted hallway.  Outside their closed bedroom door, he lied down and rested his big head between his front paws.

Chapter 2

Turning her head to see the clock, Rose was not surprised that it was 6:30 pm.  She was wide awake lying in bed next to Jeff.  He was a quiet sleeper and when they first had overnight visits she would check on him like a mother does her newborn to make sure he was breathing. 

The dog had to be let out and fed.  Dinner had to be made, too, but she didn't want to be out from under Jeff’s embrace.  It felt heavy, strong, and good.  Feeling safe, she looked up at the ceiling and let her mind wander. 

She was back at her old house in her old kitchen eating the toast spread with the sweet jam.  The memory, still so vivid even after the decade had passed, made her mouth water so much she had to swallow.  Rose opened her eyes again, this time to look at Jeff.  The desire to touch his black hair and run her finger down his cheek to his lips immediately possessed her.  Holding the impulse back, more important than indulging herself was not waking him up.  To her, he was the most beautiful man she had ever seen.  Even in the dimness of the room she could see his end-of-the-day stubble and she didn't have to touch it now to know its roughness.  He had teased her enough rubbing it against her face.  His broad shoulder made a peak under the summer blanket and she followed the slope to his slim hip down to his feet.  Rose knew every inch of him.  The day he entered her life, the sun came out on a permanent basis. 

From past experience, Rose knew that Bill was just outside the bedroom door and he needed her care, too. 

At the sound of Rose getting out of bed, Bill sat up and stared at the doorknob willing it to turn and the door to open.  Tada!  “C’mon, Bill.  Let’s go out,” said Rose as she knelt down on the floor and gave Bill a big hug around is soft furry neck.  They walked down the hall together, through the kitchen, and out the door.

Rose sat in the same wicker chair from way back when as it was one of the few things she kept from those days and watched Bill make a mad dash to the nearest bush and unceremoniously lift his leg.  It was that eerie but lovely time of early evening when the day creatures start turning in for the night and the nocturnal ones are just getting started. 

How selfish was it of her that as Jeff faced the surgery he needed to save his life she was worried about the possibility of how she would make it without the one she loved. 

As Rose watched Bill in the yard, she thought back to Tim.

Chapter 3

She had loved Tim with every molecule of her body.  From the first time she saw him something fantastic and strange happened and she felt complete.  Those ever present nagging feelings of searching for something, needing something she didn't have immediately disappeared.  Rose thought that night when Tim was so drunk and violent, when he became Mr. Hyde to his Dr. Jekyll, that night when he drove drunk and died, she died with him.  She thought she would never recover from the loss, the guilt, but mostly the pain.  Her silver lining was that he didn't take anyone else’s life but his.   Even so, the pain was overwhelming.  That part of herself that she had finally found, reveled in as it snapped into place inside the core of her, had been ripped from her soul.  Before meeting Tim she knew she was missing something undefinable.  After that awful night, she knew exactly what it was and that she would never have it back.  The incompleteness drilled deeply through her heart and kept going until it gouged a cavern into her humanity.  That was why she had had trouble leaving her bed.  That is why she hadn't cared if she ate or bathed.  Her cat, Lovey, was the only companionship she could tolerate.  Her therapist was the one that pulled her up and helped her to find herself again.

Jeff was the love she thought she would never have, let alone try to find.  He was gentle and kind instead of fireworks and cotton candy.  He was strong and brave.  He was her cowboy and although she did not love him in the same way as she had Tim, she loved Jeff with all of her heart and she knew in her bones that he felt the same way about her. 

Her thoughts had come full circle when she heard Jeff’s footsteps as he reached the screen door.  He walked as if he were a much larger man.  “Hey, Sweetheart.  You ok,” he asked as he looked at her through the mesh.

Rose swiveled in the chair and got up.  “Yep.  Hungry?”

Jeff could always tell when she was thinking back to the time she nearly lost herself.  It made him sad when she tortured herself like that but he would never show her that.  He was her rock and he knew that.  He also knew that she felt guilty about still wanting, no, needing him to be strong now, too.  He wanted to be her man and everything that that required.  He wanted her and loved her.  He needed her as much as he needed to breath. 

Jeff held the screen door open for her and she gave him a kiss on the cheek as she walked past him into the house.  Bill followed behind Rose and Jeff followed behind Bill and closed the door behind them.

EPILOGUE

Rose stiffly sat on a puffy chair in the waiting area that some decorator tried to make cozy.  It was still the hospital and she was still waiting to hear from Jeff’s surgeon so no amount of dreamy colors or soft furniture was ever going to be cozy or comfortable.  She stopped drinking coffee hours ago and switched to diet soda.  When that lost its allure, she sipped on bottled water.  The TV was blah, blah, blah and when she tried reading the words made no sense.  She looked out the window and wished she could at least pace the sidewalk but if she did that she would probably miss the doctor’s arrival.  She hadn't felt this kind of anxiety for many years and was trying to remember the tricks her therapist had taught her.

Upon hearing her name being called, Rose turned away from the window.  She saw that it was Jeff’s doctor and he was smiling. 

Wow!

Last Sunday I woke up with a huge amount of lower back pain.  My sister, Eve, is an Occupational Therapist and after seeing me trying to get up from a seated position, she asked me specifically where and when it hurt. I went into a blabbering spiel trying to explain it.  She wrapped it up succinctly, "So it hurts when you are transitioning."  Yes!  That's it.  Eve went to work on my back with ice and a massage.  It helped quite a bit but afterward, on a bathroom break, I noticed my eyes were red and thought, "That's weird," and proceeded to go about my business.

The next day I woke up to a god awful headache, still the lower back pain, my eyes hurt, and I had a fever that kept breaking and returning.  Tuesday the same.  Wednesday I tried going into work and had to leave with only 1/2 a day under my belt.  While at work Wednesday, I got an automated call letting me know that my annual endocrinologist appointment was Monday.  Damn.  I had just thought about that in the middle of the night and quickly forgot it.  I needed blood work done prior to the office visit and I didn't have the script.

I got that faxed to me and then after getting home and taking a nap, I figured it was as good a time as any to go get the blood draw done.  Still feeling like dog poo, I ventured out.  

While in the waiting-to-be-checked-in area of the lab, I was able to see the people in the waiting-to-be-pricked/prodded/tested area of the lab.  In the chair closest to my area was an old man with a cane.  He had to be in his eighties and I thought how wonderful that he still gets around on his own.  What strength!  What tenacity!  His name was called and as he got up and started walking with the aid of his cane, he farted not just once but twice and long and loud.  He made neither apologies nor excuses.  He was not embarrassed.  He just kept walking to meet the tech down the hall.  "Wow," I thought with even more respect for the guy.

After I got home, I decided it was time to call my primary care doc.  This thing with the strange combination of symptoms was not getting better.  The Universe was on my side because I got a 9 am appointment for the following day.  That was my second "Wow!" moment of the day.  I can never get in to see her that quickly.

This morning my alarm went off and I wanted to stay in bed.  Pain in back.  Check.  Pain in head.  Check.  Pain in eyes.  Check.  Fever.  Check.  Get your ass up so you can see the doctor.  Check.

Since I have had my fill of doctors, I really only see them as a last resort.  I loved my primary doc in Baltimore and no one will ever be able to take his place.  I could always count on him being honest with me with a sprinkling of sympathy.  He was never brusque plus he was smart.  My heart still goes pitter patter just thinking about him.  Still thinking about him.......

I am still getting used to my relatively new primary doc of 2.5 years.  She is just as smart and just as sympathetic as Doc Baltimore and I know any issues that exist are mine, not hers.  And really, she is a no bullshitter, too.  When she walked into the exam room this morning, (a half an hour after my scheduled appointment time.  She is perpetually late so I mentally prepared myself for it.  My Baltimore doc was never more than 10 minutes late.) she didn't say, "Hello, Nancy.  How are you this morning?"  All she said was, "Nancy."

She knew that for me to come in because I wasn't feeling well there was something really wrong and that was all I needed - her understanding - and she gave it me with simply stating my name.

At what I presumed was the end of the visit because she left the room, my doc had her assistant come in to draw blood.  Two pokes later he had what he needed.  The second item on the list was getting me in to see an eye doctor to rule out some suspicions.  I could hear my doc speaking to her assistant - did I have my own eye doctor?  He knocked and popped back in my room to ask. Well, I saw a guy at Walmart that I had to go back to for a second eye exam because he screwed up the first eye exam so I don't think he counts.  The next thing I know he is asking me if I can go to an 11:25 appointment to an eye doctor just down the street.  "Why, yes!  Yes, I can."  Wow.  This is all working out and going smoothly.  To the eye doctor I go!

I get there early but no matter.  I watch the TV showing sea creatures walking around the bottom of the ocean floor set to classical music and is that really what I am seeing?  Is one sea creature eating another sea creature???  I fill out the paperwork, an assistant leads me to an exam room where she does not have fun trying to get drops in my eyes.  That nasty job done, she leads me out and we stop at a room with low lights that has 4 chairs and 2 people sitting across from each other.  They are mother and daughter and I know that because I saw them in the waiting area.  Instead of telling me to sit there, she tells me to sit back in the waiting area that is all windows and very bright.  Huh?  After I have seated myself she walks up to me and says that she didn't think I would want to sit there with all of those people.  What??  Of course I want to sit there.  I will be in pain otherwise.  She leads me back to the low light room as my eyes dilate.  The mother moves her seat to next to her daughter and I sit across from both.  It didn't have to be awkward.  After a bit, a different assistant takes me to a different exam room.  "Please sit in the big chair," I hear for the second time.  Inside I laugh as being told that makes me feel like a toddler.

After the drops, the dilation, and the exam, the scary things were ruled out by the eye doctor.  Whew!  No bad news but still no explanation.  The final stop is to get the x-ray which is located just down the street but the other direction.

It is noon when I drive up and the hours posted on the door indicate they are open from 8 am to 5 pm.  Cool.  I walk in and am told their tech, singular, just went to lunch, will be back at 1 pm, and I am more than welcome to  fill out the paperwork and wait or come back.  If I choose to leave and return my #1 spot will be saved.  I give the door a dirty look. My first thought is to leave, get a quick lunch and return with the promise no one will take my spot.  Hmmm....I trusted the door and look what happened.  I opted to stay, watch TV, and read a magazine.

As I'm sitting watching the news and not crustaceans eating each other, two copier repairmen walk in.  Why do they all look the same?  Does that sound awful of me? They are nerds in super hero capes as they are called when there is trouble and they always fix the problem.  

So, it was a long day.  I'll go back to work tomorrow.  I'll talk to my primary doctor tomorrow.  Oh, one last thing, my doc has no idea what I've got.  In the end, if nothing is discovered from all of the testing, we will chalk this one up to some kind of virus that I should be able to kick in about 10 days.  Yay.