Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Rose and Jeff Continued
Jeff could always tell when she was thinking back to the time she nearly lost herself completely. It made him sad when she did but he would never show her that. He was her rock and he knew that. He also knew that she felt guilty about still wanting him to be strong even when facing the prospect of his own mortality. He wanted her and loved her and needed her as much as he needed to breath. He knew that she knew but neither one wanted to say it aloud for fear of jinxing the world they created together.
Stained with Red
I never asked you to change for me, to make my life better. I thought it all would come naturally and a little of it did but it didn't last. How can I know you if you don't know yourself? The evil twins and their handmaiden surrounded you. Your past clung to you like a dying man to a stick in the water wanting to use you to keep it alive.
How is it that my heart still bleeds for you? For you? I don't even know you. The real you. How is it that the pain of loss is still alive? I keep thinking I have pulled the knife out only to look down and discover it is still there. Just a little messier. The handle a little more stained with red.
How is it that my heart still bleeds for you? For you? I don't even know you. The real you. How is it that the pain of loss is still alive? I keep thinking I have pulled the knife out only to look down and discover it is still there. Just a little messier. The handle a little more stained with red.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Rah-rah!
I am my dog's cheerleader. When he poops or pees on his puppy pad, I set off the celebratory fireworks and get out my pom-poms. It is weird.
I always had large dogs. My whole life, in fact, and that includes when I was a kid. Wait. I'm lying. French poodles are not large dogs but they aren't teeny, either. They have bladders large enough to hold their pee.
With Poppy everything was different and I had a steep learning curve that required me to sprint up it. No time to lollygag. Chihuahuas can't hold it the same way large dogs can. When told I needed to train him to go on puppy pads, I squidged up my nose. Say what? No dog of mine is going to have to use a puppy pad for evah!
Wrong. It was the best move I made. It saved the floors that he was peeing on whenever and wherever. There were no rules. Walk him at 9:00 where he peed and pooped and then at 9:10 he peed and pooped again in the house at a random location of his choosing. If it weren't so disgusting it would have been whimsical.
That is why I am his cheerleader when he uses the puppy pads. It works for us. I am not ashamed.
I always had large dogs. My whole life, in fact, and that includes when I was a kid. Wait. I'm lying. French poodles are not large dogs but they aren't teeny, either. They have bladders large enough to hold their pee.
With Poppy everything was different and I had a steep learning curve that required me to sprint up it. No time to lollygag. Chihuahuas can't hold it the same way large dogs can. When told I needed to train him to go on puppy pads, I squidged up my nose. Say what? No dog of mine is going to have to use a puppy pad for evah!
Wrong. It was the best move I made. It saved the floors that he was peeing on whenever and wherever. There were no rules. Walk him at 9:00 where he peed and pooped and then at 9:10 he peed and pooped again in the house at a random location of his choosing. If it weren't so disgusting it would have been whimsical.
That is why I am his cheerleader when he uses the puppy pads. It works for us. I am not ashamed.
Friday, March 14, 2014
It is you I still miss
Folding clothes from the dryer
On the bed with the dog
And his toy
Thinking about one and a half years ago.
Two and a half years ago was the start
I never wanted to part
My soul would tear in two
And bleed when not with you.
The dog walks on the clean shirt
I throw the toy, what a good boy.
Your arms were my nest
The place I found rest
From the outside world of noise.
Then the whole thing changed
Everything was rearranged
Dark gloom descended as
Light backed out the door.
I walked the halls
I bumped into walls
Feeling every misstep and mistake.
No longer willing
No longer able
I asked for your keys
Please put them on the table.
Folded clothes in drawers
Standing, staring at the dog
Bending down for his kiss
It is you I still miss.
On the bed with the dog
And his toy
Thinking about one and a half years ago.
Two and a half years ago was the start
I never wanted to part
My soul would tear in two
And bleed when not with you.
The dog walks on the clean shirt
I throw the toy, what a good boy.
Your arms were my nest
The place I found rest
From the outside world of noise.
Then the whole thing changed
Everything was rearranged
Dark gloom descended as
Light backed out the door.
I walked the halls
I bumped into walls
Feeling every misstep and mistake.
No longer willing
No longer able
I asked for your keys
Please put them on the table.
Folded clothes in drawers
Standing, staring at the dog
Bending down for his kiss
It is you I still miss.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Not a Hotty
Apparently I am attractive to Hispanic men or I could chalk it up to percentages because of my neighborhood.
One tried to make conversation with me from his car window as I was walking Poppy. He had waved me on and then after Poppy and I left the curb he caught me mid-cross with compliments. We went through the whole "I don't speak Spanish" routine as I dragged Poppy along. "It is NOT the time to smell things, Popparooni!" my inner dialogue was screaming. When the dog and I were finally a comfortable distance away the drive said while sticking his head out the car window, "You are beautiful." It wasn't said with menace or vulgarity. He was kind of polite, actually.
Another pulled up to the gas pump next to mine early one morning before work. He smiled at me over his car as I got out of mine, so I smiled back. "Good morning," he said. "Good morning," I replied. With my credit card button punching question answering completed, I lifted the nozzle, chose the lowest grade, and inserted the nozzle in the tank of the car. I stared at the numbers flying by in the dollar section and compared those to the numbers ambling along in the gallon section. I felt a pulling in my psyche so I looked over and sure enough this guy was smiling at me. I smiled back.
Done pumping the gas I ripped my receipt from the machine and started back around my car. He looked me over and said, "You look nice," in a benign and easy-going way. "Thank you," I said as I kept walking. I was starting to feel a little closed in and scrutinized. Wait a minute here. I'm wearing jeans shorts and a t-shirt. I look nice?
"You going to work?" he asked still smiling while holding his cell phone in one hand and the gas nozzle with the other while leaning over the top of his car.
"What?" I asked.
"Are you going to work?" he asked again.
"Yes," I replied as I lowered myself into the driver's seat.
He said something else but I have no clue what it was because I was closing the car door. As I drove away a niggle that was in the back of my head came to the forefront. Did he take my picture with his cell?
Both men were very polite and I didn't feel dirty for having spoken to them. I didn't feel threatened, either. As a woman, I am always aware of my surroundings. From Jr. High on it has been drilled into my head to look around, appear confident, and the old stand-by of grab, twist, and pull. I suppose I have been thinking that at my age and nearing being on the other side of menopause I would have become invisible. Maybe not. At least not for these two men.
One tried to make conversation with me from his car window as I was walking Poppy. He had waved me on and then after Poppy and I left the curb he caught me mid-cross with compliments. We went through the whole "I don't speak Spanish" routine as I dragged Poppy along. "It is NOT the time to smell things, Popparooni!" my inner dialogue was screaming. When the dog and I were finally a comfortable distance away the drive said while sticking his head out the car window, "You are beautiful." It wasn't said with menace or vulgarity. He was kind of polite, actually.
Another pulled up to the gas pump next to mine early one morning before work. He smiled at me over his car as I got out of mine, so I smiled back. "Good morning," he said. "Good morning," I replied. With my credit card button punching question answering completed, I lifted the nozzle, chose the lowest grade, and inserted the nozzle in the tank of the car. I stared at the numbers flying by in the dollar section and compared those to the numbers ambling along in the gallon section. I felt a pulling in my psyche so I looked over and sure enough this guy was smiling at me. I smiled back.
Done pumping the gas I ripped my receipt from the machine and started back around my car. He looked me over and said, "You look nice," in a benign and easy-going way. "Thank you," I said as I kept walking. I was starting to feel a little closed in and scrutinized. Wait a minute here. I'm wearing jeans shorts and a t-shirt. I look nice?
"You going to work?" he asked still smiling while holding his cell phone in one hand and the gas nozzle with the other while leaning over the top of his car.
"What?" I asked.
"Are you going to work?" he asked again.
"Yes," I replied as I lowered myself into the driver's seat.
He said something else but I have no clue what it was because I was closing the car door. As I drove away a niggle that was in the back of my head came to the forefront. Did he take my picture with his cell?
Both men were very polite and I didn't feel dirty for having spoken to them. I didn't feel threatened, either. As a woman, I am always aware of my surroundings. From Jr. High on it has been drilled into my head to look around, appear confident, and the old stand-by of grab, twist, and pull. I suppose I have been thinking that at my age and nearing being on the other side of menopause I would have become invisible. Maybe not. At least not for these two men.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Keep Calm
You can tell yourself everything is alright and that you're not stressed out. You're handling everything just fine. You're an expert at juggling and keeping everyone happy.
Nope.
You're sitting at your laptop and you feel your heart start banging around in your chest. You have to take deep breaths. Keep calm. It's a panic attack.
I don't like the name panic attack because in my personal experience it happens when I am quiet, not panicking. Heart disease runs in my family so when I had my first one many years ago my initial thought was heart attack. A co-worker, who was a sympathetic soul, told me to lie down on the office couch because it was a panic attack. We didn't need to call the paramedics just yet.
Periodically someone will post on Facebook a bare bones explanation of why people have panic attacks and that those that experience them should not be ashamed. "They are signs of having tried to remain strong for too long." I cannot argue with that as those are the times I experience them.
My heart and mind voted to have my body, the big mouth, do the talking for them. "Take it easy. Don't put so much pressure on us because you are freaking us out!"
Got it. I'll make some changes. Thanks. And sorry.
Nope.
You're sitting at your laptop and you feel your heart start banging around in your chest. You have to take deep breaths. Keep calm. It's a panic attack.
I don't like the name panic attack because in my personal experience it happens when I am quiet, not panicking. Heart disease runs in my family so when I had my first one many years ago my initial thought was heart attack. A co-worker, who was a sympathetic soul, told me to lie down on the office couch because it was a panic attack. We didn't need to call the paramedics just yet.
Periodically someone will post on Facebook a bare bones explanation of why people have panic attacks and that those that experience them should not be ashamed. "They are signs of having tried to remain strong for too long." I cannot argue with that as those are the times I experience them.
My heart and mind voted to have my body, the big mouth, do the talking for them. "Take it easy. Don't put so much pressure on us because you are freaking us out!"
Got it. I'll make some changes. Thanks. And sorry.
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