On Turning 54

My hardest birthday was my 29th.  I had just one more year left in my twenties and then I would officially be old, at least that was what I was thinking.   It wasn't like I had to come to terms with things like no more partying, acting mature, or putting others ahead of myself.  I had been knee deep in just the opposite since I had turned 21.  My life was full of responsibility with my marriage and two children. It was about losing my youth.  At what point will my hair start to lose its color?  Will I end up being like the women I observed playing Mahjongg with my mother?  As a teenager I promised myself that would never happen.  Will I lose my identity?

Eventually I resigned myself to the fact that I could not fight getting older.  More birthdays came and went without fanfare.  Through the years the changes weren't a big deal until Thyroid Cancer busted through the swinging tavern doors making the kind of entrance that causes the poker players to look away from their cards, the drunk to find the energy to lift their heads, and the piano player to stop mid phrase.

I lost control over my body and rudely learned what being a non-person was like.  I was being harshly judged by ignorance.

I lost control over my future.  How many birthdays did I have left?  I learned that I never really had control over that in the first place.  Another painful lesson.

Each time cancer drove me to learn something, it was like being tortured on the rack forced into stretching my mind to make changes at my core.

Recently I was reading on Facebook someone describing losing two people within weeks of each other.  Both were in their mid to late sixties.  I did the simple math in my head and was slapped with the realization that I am but a mere 12 to 14 years away from their ages.  Everyone has experienced the phenomenon of the relativity of time.  The older we get the faster it goes.  As I look to turn 54 in a few months, the end gets closer and instead of it being blurry I am now able to make out some of the details.  I started to panic because there was so much more I wanted to do and this time crunch thing was squeezing my ribs with vice like strength.

It has been a couple of years since Cancer has held me at gunpoint.  I've had great reports after enduring my second surgery in 2010 and unbeknownst to me I had forgotten the lessons I had learned the primary one being tomorrow is never promised.

Young's Literal Translation of Proverbs 16:18 is "Before destruction is pride, And before stumbling -- a haughty spirit."  These I know to be true from my personal experiences and how prideful is it to believe I am the one with the control?  Nope.  Not going to fall under that delusion again.

Rock on, my fine feathered friends.  Oh - and about my hair and it losing its color - I started with a few white hairs but now it is more like what used to be a small intimate party is a houseful of guests because Word of Mouth can't keep quiet.  Uninvited people keep showing up and you know they will be calling their friends to come join them.  I am not going to cover up those white hairs.  I earned them!

My Taurus, my friend

My Taurus is back in the shop today. This time it is the brakes and all of the lovely parts that make them work properly. This past week I was not feeling all that safe driving it as I had a feeling the problem was serious, and it was. The shop would under no circumstances let me back in the car without having them fixed. I asked the car guy if the mechanic saw anything else wrong and he broke out the list. I was forced into recognizing that it has come to the point of throwing good money after bad. Just as dying people see their life flash before their eyes, my mind played a quick movie of the many years of faithful service that car has given me.

It is time to let go of the car. I need a new one and I define new as used but new to me. If you have any kind of car make/model/important information you can share with me, I would love to hear it! In the meantime, Poppy and I are housebound until around 4 pm when my Taurus will be drive-able again. We need a nap as we are heavy with nostalgia and sadness. This will last until we are in the seat of our new car, that is!!!!!

Bits and Pieces

Eating at my desk

I realize this isn't the prettiest picture I have ever posted but I had to share.  It's like someone that saw an accident and had to share the gory details with anyone that would stand still long enough to listen.

Sometimes I eat a microwave meal (TV dinner for those that are my age) at work because I didn't have time to prepare something before leaving home.  This mess is Swanson's turkey, gravy & stuffing, mashed potato entree.   As I was sitting at my desk eating it while working, I looked down and realized that I was eating the turkey and stuffing from the bottom and the mashed potatoes from the top.  WTF!  I scared myself.  What holy hell does some part of my brain create?

Poppy getting cozy on the couch

Here is a cute picture of Poppy I took last night to get rid of the above thoughts and images.

Tacked onto a tree at the Myakka City post office's parking lot 

For those that aren't in the know, Myakka City has one flashing traffic light and a lot of farm land and livestock.  When the weather affords it and I roll my car windows down, my commute from Sarasota to Myakka can be quite fragrant!  

One of the things I do on my way in is stop at the post office to pick up the company mail.  The pick up service hours (post office jargon for when a post office employee is available and at the window to help customers) this post office offers are Monday-Friday 9:00am - 11:00am then 1:00pm - 4:00pm; Saturday 10:00am - 12:00pm.  Lucky for me the lobby hours are 24/7.   

This morning, as I pulled into my regular parking spot, I noticed the above sign tacked, literally with office type thumb tacks, to a tree.  This tree is located at the end of a parking spot so if someone ignored the length of the parking space they would immediately hit the tree.  Here is my ultra-creative picture I just drew in the paint program so that you would know what I mean:

The green oval is the tree and the grey rectangle is the parking space....in case you couldn't figure that out for yourself and you thought I was attempting a self-portrait.  

I sat in my car looking at the sign trying to figure it out.  Slow down.  Slow down?  I'm in a parking lot.  What was the meaning the artist was trying to convey?  Then I read the response written in black under the colorful command.  I hope you laughed, too.

The beauty of Myakka City

Easier on the eye than my lunch pic, huh?

Lastly, a round of applause for my 2006 Ford Taurus SE:

And you thought FORD stood for Found On Road Dead

Freedom

How does one define freedom?  Is it not owning anything that makes one free or is it owning so much there is no longer a need?  Is it not each one's mindset because each on thinks he is complete?  In the end, is freedom defined in the mind no matter the circumstances?  Reality shifts depending on our perception of it.