As I turn 57

It's hard for me to believe that I am so close to being 60. Three more years (throws a pinch of salt over my left shoulder). Every year around my birthday I write about changes in my life - and the things that have remained the same.

Here is what is the same:

1. I continue to get excellent reports regarding the thyroid cancer that was originally diagnosed in 2005. It remains undetectable. 
2. I've got a fantastic job at a fantastic organization. What we do at CAN saves people's lives. 
3. I still live in the same house in the same neighborhood. It still scares for my visitors to get out of their car and walk to my door.
4. I remain single.

Here is what has changed:

1. I adopted Lolly January 3rd. To know her is to love her. The Jack Russell part of her makes her a spring-loaded lunatic sometimes but that is part of her *cough* charm. Her emotional scars from the life she had continue to heal. Trusting is still a challenge for her but for now she only growls at me every so often when I kiss her. 
2. I earned a promotion at work. Always a good thing.
3. I've let my hair grow. It's past my shoulders and I like it. I also like putting it in pigtails and braids. No, I am not too old for that.
4. While I continue to live with a few changes that are products of the closed head injury I suffered a few years ago, I am comfortable with who I am. My short term memory is back and my mind doesn't feel dull anymore. 

I want to delve further into item #4 in the what is the same category. I am still single. It is my wish to be part of a pair but I want to talk to you about a topic related to it.

I have had 4 serious relationships. All of them except for 1, (He might be living on the streets or dead, for all I know. His drinking ruined his life so I don't count him.), circled back to me to say the same thing in one form or another:

1. He was responsible for 95% of the problems we had.
2. He was an idiot. Didn't know what he had. Would treat me differently now. Please take him back. I was the best thing that happened in his life.
3. He wasn't ready. It was premature of him to start a relationship. He's back now and wants me to start anew with him. I was the best thing since sliced bread.

It is uncanny! For the sake of argument, this is 3 out of 3. Inside of these relationships, each man was forced to look at themselves and then make life altering decisions. Move forward with me and learn life's lessons or lose me and remain stuck in the muck. I ended the relationships and it was later that they woke up, but at the time, I was the one hurting.

I am not a serial dater. I couldn't be if I wanted to! There aren't that many available single men living in the area that are in my age group. So, I am single.

When I really think about this, there is a work experience that relates to this subject. I helped get a business off the ground. As a matter of fact, I was the first employee hired. Four years later, the owner, contemplating a hiring decision, came to me to ask my opinion. I told him not to do it and why. He disagreed and moved forward. He thought she would bring in a lot of money and grow the company. I ended up being pushed out and she took over. Eventually, she ended up leaving him and his business high and dry while he was on vacation with his family and took with her over half of the company's clients. He never had her sign a contract. That part of the company ended up closing.

After that all went down, I saw his wife at a continuing education seminar and we talked. She said he was so sorry for what happened, he should have listened to me, and would I call him? I told her I was not going to call him. If he wanted to talk to me, that is fine but he would have to call me. She begged me to call him. I didn't. Neither did he.

As I run head on into 57, I finally have the great job at the great company. I'm ready for the relationship.

The Question Mark

There is no normal. There is what is acceptable at present. You can compare it to what used to be acceptable or what you think should be acceptable.

There is no reality. There is what we are experiencing now. You can compare it to what you have experienced or what you think you should be experiencing.

All around you things are happening. Depending on what you choose to focus on is what you see.

Squirrel on utility pole, November 2016

Last week we had a cool spell. For us that means it was in the seventies. I opened the two windows in the house that work along with my front door. After two years of asking, my landlord finally installed a screen door. Having the fresh air circulate throughout the house was magnificent. The dog and cats lifted their noses to examine the new smells.

It was in the evening and I remembered I hadn't gone to check the mail. This is an old neighborhood so we all have mailboxes on posts in front of our houses. As I walked the length of the front yard, I noticed the arm had been swung in the "up" position signaling the mailman there was outgoing mail inside. When I stepped off the curb onto the street, flashing lights caught my eye. A couple of houses down, on the corner, was a silent police car with its lights on and motor running. As far as I could tell, all of the activity was taking place inside one of the houses. An uncomfortable feeling squeezed my stomach as I pulled open the little mailbox door. I have way too many memories of what can happen in a house that causes the police to silently be at your door.

Inside was a letter to a former occupant. It looked personal as opposed to a bill or professional correspondence. Both the return and mailing address were handwritten. Being the Type A personality that I am, since whoever left the letter hadn't, I brought the envelope inside so that I could write on it, "RTS. Not at this address."

As I walked back to the street, I was listening hard. No strange noises. Just quiet. Too quiet. When the police are around, my neighbors become smoke. The cop car was still there.

I put the letter in the mailbox and walked back in my house. Closing the screen door behind me, I turned to look back outside. How was I to determine the situation? Should I close my windows? Should I close my door? Was it time to move? I was thinking about these things when I spotted the squirrel. It scampered up the utility pole all the way to the top. In all of the years I have been consciously paying attention, I have never seen a squirrel do that.

I grabbed my phone and went outside to take the squirrel's picture. At first it looked around and then with quick jerky squirrel moves it turned to the right and then to the left. At some point in these few seconds, he (using "he" in a generic pronoun kind of way) formed a question mark with his tail as if asking me back, "I see you are questioning. What do you think you should do?"

His mission accomplished, he scooted back to the ground. A little weird-ed out but feeling much more at peace, I went back in the house. A change is on its way.