Strength's Misconception

Batman stands at the top of my cubicle at work. When I become overwhelmed and don't know what to do next, I look at him and think, "It's simple. You can overcome whatever is happening. You are strong." I become calm and with a clearer head I go back to work.

He watches over me and is always there. Batman is my reminder that I can do what I must and even more. It doesn't bother me that you may think I am strange to have Batman as my focal point for times of stress because number 1, I don't care, and number 2, it works for me. His strength becomes my strength.

Lolly, my little rescue, looks for strength from Poppy. When I leave for work in the morning she gets very sad so she sits as closely to him as possible while she watches me walk out the door. Lolly has finally stopped chasing the cats and they have stopped hissing at her. She still has emotional wounds that have to heal but she is making headway. Bad memories are being replaced with happy ones.

We are but a wisp of smoke in time. Our bodies keep us pinned to the earth. Our souls look out from inside. We are not made to be totally alone. It goes against the rules of life. We need to understand others and be understood. We need strength so that we stay alive, loving and growing.

It is okay to need someone. It is okay to be needed. A bridge is crossed one footstep at a time but not necessarily alone.

Itchy Hives

I've got a 5-page paper I need to write, create an eye-catching poster board, and then ready myself for a mini presentation in front of the class for school.  I am over a week behind at work.  I am crossing my fingers and toes and anything else that will comfortably cross that my June 18th divorce hearing will not only stay as scheduled but go off without a hitch.  I am gritting my teeth hoping that the husband I am crossing everything for so that the divorce on June 18th happens will mow the lawn and allow potential buyers into the house so that it can be viewed and sold.  A couple of weeks ago I had to take $10K out of my IRA to save it from foreclosure because my hopefully ex as of June 18th has decided that even though he is the only one living in the house he shouldn't have to help pay the mortgage.  I am living with my mother who never stops creating sound.  She is either humming, singing, or talking and not necessarily to anyone in particular or for any reason.  You know those dog owners that silence their dogs from barking?  Yes, I do appreciate all she has done for me so don't get your feathers all flustered.  My mother has also given me multiple opportunities to learn how to politely yet firmly set and reset boundaries that keep getting crossed.  At first I wasn't so polite.  Hopefully I am better at ti now.  I have decided I have to figure out my finances to see if I can safely move out.  As a matter of fact as I am writing this she is talking to me.  A week ago my son-in-law was shot and murdered by a woman off of her meds.  Now my daughter, at 29, is a widow with a 2.5 year old.

I am getting over a yeast infection (TMI?) and have been battling hives ever since I got the news about my son-in-law.  My body is talking to me.  Well, I think it is yelling at me.  I've got too much stress.  I do walk as often as possible.  At least 3 times a week.  I have a fantastic boyfriend that does what he can to help me take it down a notch whether it is affection or just talking me off the ledge.  At the age of 51 I never thought I would be using the word "boyfriend" to describe a part of my life. 

Stress sneaks up on me.  This time it was in the middle of the night and that is why I woke up with hives.  My brain stays awake while my body sleeps.  Hold on.  I have to take a scratch break.

Ok, I'm back.  I normally try to wrap these up somehow.  Draw a conclusion.  Say something humorous.  I don't have any answers and that is why I'm writing.  So.......I'll see you soon.

P.S.  My mother is still talking.

Random thoughts - I'm stressed!

Ahhhh! I'm a bundle of nerves and it is hard to focus enough to write about the trial.

My brother in the Air Force is somewhere in the Middle East but can't say where and why. My boss has experienced an unexpected issue that has kept her out of the office for a week and she won't be back for a while so I'm taking on extra responsibility at work. The surgery is next week.

I've never really been a people person. I am never going to be the life of the party. I do not like to be around a lot of people and I am kind of a loner. Those that are close to me are few. I am bluntly honest and this can offend although I don't do it on purpose.

Those that appreciate me for who I am stick by me. Others are attracted like a moth to a light and then when it gets too hot leave. Sometimes I push people away all on my own.

On the flip side, I have enough empathy for two people. Some say I am a bleeding heart. I just shake my head at their obvious lack of humanity. I will always listen. I will care unless you burn me.

So, at this time when I feel like I am vibrating or one of those spinning tops completely out of control let loose on the kitchen floor, I am telling those that will take the time to read this that I am.....scared. I feel like such a wimp just saying it.

Since I wanted to know what was going to be done to me, I went online and looked up the procedure, the neck dissection. Ew. Double ew.

Having said that, I feel better! I suppose just writing about it makes it less scary. My rpms have decreased to a manageable speed, too. Thank you.