Scrapings from the bottom of the frying pan

First Scraping
I have a $5,000 deductible on my health insurance.  This is for Individual coverage, mind you.  If I had Family coverage, it would be $10,000.  When I last saw my endocrinologist we discussed me getting a series of shots and then a blood test that will give me a true reading as to the possibility of the thyroid cancer growing again.  This can't be done by only drawing blood and then running tests because my thyroid medication is dosed to keep me at a certain level of whatever that inhibits cancer cell growth.  (I'm sure you don't want a science lesson here so I'm keeping it simple.)  The shots are very expensive....somewhere to the tune of $2,000.  When my doc found out what my deductible was, he offered another suggestion.  Since I had the neck dissection one year ago, we could bypass the shots/blood test and just do the neck ultrasound this September.  He said I should make the ultrasound appointment in the morning and then an office appointment with him same day in the afternoon.  I thought that was a good idea and agreed to it.

Now that it has been a month and a half since I made that decision, I realize it isn't going to work for me.  It was these annual shots/testing results that made me want to change docs in the first place.  (See earlier posts.)   

Second Scraping
It's Spring and I am back to mowing and planting.  I love all of it. I feel so much satisfaction after having mowed a row, turning around and seeing the difference in the height of the grass.  I could compare it to the immediate results one experiences when ironing clothes, but I hate ironing.  Actually, I hate everything about ironing except for the hiss a steam iron makes when setting it back upright.  That's kind of cool.

I love all of the different flowers, except for orange marigolds.  I look at them and feel pissed off.  Weird, right?  They are innocent and I am holding back from snapping off their heads.  Other than my issues with marigolds, I find the differences in flower's leaf construction, bloom, colors, textures, and smells intriguing.  My blood pressure lowers and I just want to sit and stare.  I could sit on the forest floor for hours taking in the different sounds the trees, animals, and bugs make.  I love the patterns of light made by the sun's rays shining through the canopy overhead.  Where the sun breaks through those spots are warm and toasty.

Third Scraping
I don't like sweating.  Because of my medication, I sweat more easily and it is gross.  I won't even try to pretend this is not gross by calling it perspiration.  If I just sweated from my armpits, I would be almost OK with that but my head is the sweatiest part of my body.  Sweat runs through my hair down my neck and behind my ears.  It interferes with my vision as it falls from my eyebrows.  It makes my eyeglasses slip down my nose.  For those of you familiar with West Side Story, sing along with me.....I feel pretty.  Oh so pretty....

Random thoughts - I'm stressed!

Ahhhh! I'm a bundle of nerves and it is hard to focus enough to write about the trial.

My brother in the Air Force is somewhere in the Middle East but can't say where and why. My boss has experienced an unexpected issue that has kept her out of the office for a week and she won't be back for a while so I'm taking on extra responsibility at work. The surgery is next week.

I've never really been a people person. I am never going to be the life of the party. I do not like to be around a lot of people and I am kind of a loner. Those that are close to me are few. I am bluntly honest and this can offend although I don't do it on purpose.

Those that appreciate me for who I am stick by me. Others are attracted like a moth to a light and then when it gets too hot leave. Sometimes I push people away all on my own.

On the flip side, I have enough empathy for two people. Some say I am a bleeding heart. I just shake my head at their obvious lack of humanity. I will always listen. I will care unless you burn me.

So, at this time when I feel like I am vibrating or one of those spinning tops completely out of control let loose on the kitchen floor, I am telling those that will take the time to read this that I am.....scared. I feel like such a wimp just saying it.

Since I wanted to know what was going to be done to me, I went online and looked up the procedure, the neck dissection. Ew. Double ew.

Having said that, I feel better! I suppose just writing about it makes it less scary. My rpms have decreased to a manageable speed, too. Thank you.