Aunt Audrey

Tomorrow my sister Eve, my mother, and I are driving down south to the East Coast to join my cousins and others to say our final farewell to my Aunt Audrey.  I don't know how else to put it except there was an affinity, an understanding, between my aunt and I.

 

Growing up she wasn't my only aunt and even though she lived the furthest away whenever I had the opportunity to spend time with her I always felt the most comfortable and accepted by her.  She laughed the easiest and had a way of making light of situations that instead of making me feel belittled for feeling so heavy I felt the load ease up and saw that maybe I was just a smidgen too serious about the whole thing.  Even though she was no pushover she never made me feel that I was any less when my introverted ways seemingly held me back.  She accepted me and didn't try to change me.  She challenged my thinking by talking to me and putt out other perspectives in front of me.  She knew I would think about what she said and make an informed decision that would be mine.  

 

So, I loved her not only because she was my mother's sister or my cousins' mother but because of how she loved me.  She knew she always had a place in my heart and I knew I was loved by her.

 

Goodbye, Aunt Audrey.  I'll see you again.

And now a word from our sponsor

If anyone is keeping up with my posts, you probably think I am a lunatic with wild mood swings.  I am actually someone very hurt from a freshly ended relationship and trying to find solace in writing.  It doesn't matter if I write about something funny, something sad, something true, or fiction.  If I am writing then I am helping to rid myself of the painful infection that keeps trying to build up in my bloodstream. 

I am mad at myself for feeling like this.  I should be happy it is over after all I am the one that ended it.  For months it had deteriorated until I had to cry uncle.  Even so, it is a loss and I must allow myself to grieve and give myself permission to one minute feel riddled with bullet holes and the next laughing.  I think part of the problem is I am normally more in control of my emotions and this time they are guiding the ship over rough waters making me seasick. 

Thanks for being there.  Thanks for sharing my life with me.

I Bet You Don't Even Care

My aunt passed away this morning.
I'm so sad.
You were supposed to be here.
I bet you don't even care.

You left months ago.
So hard to let go.
I should hate you but I don't.
My mind is willing but my heart won't.
I bet you don't even care.

Rose and Jeff cont.

She was happy yet scared.  How selfish was it of her that as Jeff faced the surgery that he needed to save his life she was worried about how she would once again continue on making a life for herself without the one she loved.  She thought back again and compared the two.  Now was different from then. 

She had loved Tim with every molecule of her body.  From the first time she saw him, something fantastical and strange happened and she felt complete.  Those feelings of searching for something, needing something else that she couldn't make sense of always playing like a recording on repeat had left her.  They just weren't there anymore.  That is why on that day when he was drunk and took the car keys she thought her life had ended, too.  She thought she would never recover from the loss and the guilt but mostly from the pain.  The pain was what was overwhelming.  That part of herself that she finally found and reveled in as it snapped easily into place into her core had been ripped from her.  Before meeting him she knew she was missing something but it was undefinable.  After that awful night she knew exactly what it was that she was missing and that she would never have it back.  The incompleteness drilled deeply through her heart and kept going until it made a cavern in her soul.  That was why she could hardly get out of bed.  That was why she didn't care if she ate.  Her cat, Lovey, was the only companionship she could tolerate.  Her therapist was the one that pulled her up and helped her to find herself again.

Rose heard Jeff's footsteps as he reached the screen door.  He walked as if he were a much larger man.  "Hey, Sweetheart.  You OK," he asked as he looked at her through the mesh.

Rose swiveled in the chair and got up.  "Yep.  Hungry?"

At Home

I ended up bringing the car into the dealership this morning as it was hiccuping. $700 later it is still there being worked on. I can't really complain because they are 2006 original parts that are being replaced and the car has been as solid as a tank. The critters are happy to have their Mom home and we all took a nap together. I also dusted with Poppy watching incite-fully and all-knowing. He was very Zen about it until he took the opportunity to grab the duster and run.

Happy Birthday To Me

Just putting one foot in front of the other is laborious.
Just breathing is hard.
How does one push forward when the wheel on your wheelbarrow is cripplingly bent?
No amount of glue, duct tape, or mending can close up the gash.
The cherished memories are rammed by the hurtful ones causing explosions of flames creating burnt-edged holes in my heart, mind, and soul.
My North Star has gone missing.
My blanket guarding me against the cold was lifted by the storm.
Happy Birthday to me.

Poppy and the drive thru

Tonight Poppy experienced his first not-so-fast food drive thru.  This is a neighborhood restaurant and not a McDonald's/Burger King type of place but they still have the huge menu and speaker.  

I have to digress here so that you have a more complete picture of the situation.  Poppy and I have a very efficient system for when I am the driver and he is the passenger.  I place him in the passenger seat and then I get in the driver's seat.  We have done this enough that Poppy has learned what "Move over" means.  Time is of the essence with Poppy so he doesn't like to waste it and before I have driven 10 feet he has made his way across the car and has at least his head in my lap.  In just a quick minute he will have his body in my lap and then he scoots his way up my chest and uses my cleavage as a shelf upon which he sits comfortably.  If I am not paying attention, I don't realize what he is doing until his little body is blocking my view of the steering wheel.  That sounds dangerous, you say?  Well of course it is dangerous!  He sticks himself to me as if he is made of Velcro and it takes much coordination on my part to unstick him, place him back in the passenger seat, and keep my eyes on the road.  To answer your next question, I know they make doggie harnesses that keep both driver and dog passenger safe.  One of these days I'll get one.  That is after I have balanced my checkbook and dust.  

I roll down my window and place my order.  Poppy tries to look out my window to see who is there.  Who am I talking to?  Since he is a little Chihuahua, that puzzle will remain unsolved.

We turn the corner to drive around to the side of the building and see that another car is ahead of us and waiting for their meal.  I push Poppy back into the passenger seat, get my purse, pull out my wallet, and feel pretty relaxed as I count out the exact change and bills.  Poppy is quite interested in looking out my window and tries again to crawl up onto my chest.  The car is in Park and my left hand is holding the change, my right is holding the bills.  I let him sit there until we are able to move up to the window.  I gently shove him off of me and once we are in position in front of the window he gently shoves himself back against me.

The restaurant worker slides open the window and just as she repeats the amount I owe Poppy hits the jackpot.  A person.  A person that is very close to the car!  Who said she could be there?  With is teeny Chihuahua bark he lets her know he is the mighty and powerful!  Luckily the girl finds this as funny as I do as I hand her the money.  I place Poppy back in the passenger seat.  As I said, this restaurant isn't trying to be fast so we patiently sit in the car.  Poppy is wondering what the heck is all of this and why are we here and will the lady return?  Soon enough my dinner is passed to me and the car fills up with the smell of food.  Poppy's face quickly turns from curiosity to recognition as the food bag passes over him and is placed onto the floor of the passenger side.  Ohhhhhhh.  So this is why we are here.  How magical!  When can we eat?