Good Men

Yesterday morning I took Poppy to the vet's office to see if he met the 5 lb minimum weight for Trifexis, a medication that prevents heartworm, kills fleas, and controls worms in one easy pill. It was very busy with the line 3 people deep waiting for the one person left manning the front desk trying to keep his cool while handling all of our needs. 

As Poppy and I waited patiently in line, he vacillated between wanting to be in my arms and wanting to be down on the floor. Up, down, up, down. Well, during one of the "down" times, he decided it was also a good time to poop. A couple barely out of their twenties sitting with a cuddly box of newborn puppies had front row seats. The husband, wearing his Sarasota corrections uniform, said, "I've got this." He walked to the nearby bathroom and brought me out paper towels. I took one, bent down and retrieved the poop and when I stood back up I saw he was standing there with another paper towel in hand. He said, "You can put it here," as he held out his hand. I handed it off to him and he finished taking care of the mess in the bathroom. I think I must have thanked him 5 times.

When he came back out of the bathroom, he walked over to his wife and said, "I washed my hands. Can I see one of the puppies?" She reached in the box and held one up to him and he kissed its little head.

That, my friends, was awe inspiring to me. His wife didn't say, "Honey, go help that woman out." He volunteered for the job because he wanted to, because he could, because he thought it was the right and good thing to do. He was johnny-on-the-spot. To him it was probably in-consequential, but to me it was fantastical! I think my heart even grew a size.

P.S. Poppy weighs 5.1 lbs., or possibly 5.2 lbs. Hard to get a good read on a moving target.

I WANT A COWBOY

I want a cowboy.
His jeans are soft from wear.
I want a cowboy.
Leather gloves and leather belt.
I want a cowboy.
He is true, kind, and strong.
I want a cowboy.
He knows right from wrong.

His mind is clear.
His skin is tan.
His heart knows love
For beast and man.

I want a cowboy.

Be True to Yourself

As we grow and mature, we are told many things in our lives in regard to how we should live, what we should believe, and the correct way to think and to act. I could go on and on but it is too nauseating to try. 

Unless one is a psychopath, most of us are born with an innate knowing. Gut feelings. Intuition. We are taught to not trust those feelings but instead to rationalize. This is especially true for women. How many times did you know something, talk yourself out of it, then realize you were correct? Be at peace and listen to that inner voice. We are more than flesh and blood. Our spirits live in our bodies. Your gut, your intuition will develop as you learn to listen to it and trust it. You inherently know what is right, what is good. 

Just be true to yourself. That is all I am asking.

Beauty Comes from the Soul

People, friends and strangers alike, will always have an opinion about how one should dress, how one should act, and what one should think. They formulate these based upon their own personal experiences, upbringing, social stigmas, level of insecurity, and level of love. Tattoos, hair color, hair style, clothing, and makeup are one's personal expression of inner self. If people, friends and stranger alike, can't hack it, it is their problem. You need not take that on and integrate it into your self worth. Beauty comes from the soul.

Green Eyes

I looked into his eyes and realized they were the most beautiful shade of green.  A deep forest green, depending on the light.  And then he smiled and oh, my.  I was lost.  I was gone.  The dimple in his chin was disarming. 

It wasn't until we went to the beach later that day did I realize something deeper happened when we met.  A shifting in my soul.  Like a seatbelt being buckled. Click.  I would never be the same.  I was connected to him.  My soul recognized him.  It wasn't my heart or my mind but deep within me - I knew him. 

I recently noticed his eyes again.  Such a beautiful shade of green.  A deep lush green found in the woods.  With love they looked back at me.

Time

The soreness and the pain
Must be worth the strain
To make the future better
To make the future last

The sadness and the tears
Pushing down the fears
To make the future better
To make the future last

Learning to be in the now
Shoulders heavy as I plow
To make the future better
To make the future last

Dancing to the music
Sometimes feeling sick
The crowd disperses
Dizzy, yelling curses
Raising my fist
Rage, feeling pist

Ending with exhaustion
Acceptance is my station
To make the future better
To make the future last

Aunt Audrey

Tomorrow my sister Eve, my mother, and I are driving down south to the East Coast to join my cousins and others to say our final farewell to my Aunt Audrey.  I don't know how else to put it except there was an affinity, an understanding, between my aunt and I.

 

Growing up she wasn't my only aunt and even though she lived the furthest away whenever I had the opportunity to spend time with her I always felt the most comfortable and accepted by her.  She laughed the easiest and had a way of making light of situations that instead of making me feel belittled for feeling so heavy I felt the load ease up and saw that maybe I was just a smidgen too serious about the whole thing.  Even though she was no pushover she never made me feel that I was any less when my introverted ways seemingly held me back.  She accepted me and didn't try to change me.  She challenged my thinking by talking to me and putt out other perspectives in front of me.  She knew I would think about what she said and make an informed decision that would be mine.  

 

So, I loved her not only because she was my mother's sister or my cousins' mother but because of how she loved me.  She knew she always had a place in my heart and I knew I was loved by her.

 

Goodbye, Aunt Audrey.  I'll see you again.

And now a word from our sponsor

If anyone is keeping up with my posts, you probably think I am a lunatic with wild mood swings.  I am actually someone very hurt from a freshly ended relationship and trying to find solace in writing.  It doesn't matter if I write about something funny, something sad, something true, or fiction.  If I am writing then I am helping to rid myself of the painful infection that keeps trying to build up in my bloodstream. 

I am mad at myself for feeling like this.  I should be happy it is over after all I am the one that ended it.  For months it had deteriorated until I had to cry uncle.  Even so, it is a loss and I must allow myself to grieve and give myself permission to one minute feel riddled with bullet holes and the next laughing.  I think part of the problem is I am normally more in control of my emotions and this time they are guiding the ship over rough waters making me seasick. 

Thanks for being there.  Thanks for sharing my life with me.

I Bet You Don't Even Care

My aunt passed away this morning.
I'm so sad.
You were supposed to be here.
I bet you don't even care.

You left months ago.
So hard to let go.
I should hate you but I don't.
My mind is willing but my heart won't.
I bet you don't even care.

Rose and Jeff cont.

She was happy yet scared.  How selfish was it of her that as Jeff faced the surgery that he needed to save his life she was worried about how she would once again continue on making a life for herself without the one she loved.  She thought back again and compared the two.  Now was different from then. 

She had loved Tim with every molecule of her body.  From the first time she saw him, something fantastical and strange happened and she felt complete.  Those feelings of searching for something, needing something else that she couldn't make sense of always playing like a recording on repeat had left her.  They just weren't there anymore.  That is why on that day when he was drunk and took the car keys she thought her life had ended, too.  She thought she would never recover from the loss and the guilt but mostly from the pain.  The pain was what was overwhelming.  That part of herself that she finally found and reveled in as it snapped easily into place into her core had been ripped from her.  Before meeting him she knew she was missing something but it was undefinable.  After that awful night she knew exactly what it was that she was missing and that she would never have it back.  The incompleteness drilled deeply through her heart and kept going until it made a cavern in her soul.  That was why she could hardly get out of bed.  That was why she didn't care if she ate.  Her cat, Lovey, was the only companionship she could tolerate.  Her therapist was the one that pulled her up and helped her to find herself again.

Rose heard Jeff's footsteps as he reached the screen door.  He walked as if he were a much larger man.  "Hey, Sweetheart.  You OK," he asked as he looked at her through the mesh.

Rose swiveled in the chair and got up.  "Yep.  Hungry?"

At Home

I ended up bringing the car into the dealership this morning as it was hiccuping. $700 later it is still there being worked on. I can't really complain because they are 2006 original parts that are being replaced and the car has been as solid as a tank. The critters are happy to have their Mom home and we all took a nap together. I also dusted with Poppy watching incite-fully and all-knowing. He was very Zen about it until he took the opportunity to grab the duster and run.

Happy Birthday To Me

Just putting one foot in front of the other is laborious.
Just breathing is hard.
How does one push forward when the wheel on your wheelbarrow is cripplingly bent?
No amount of glue, duct tape, or mending can close up the gash.
The cherished memories are rammed by the hurtful ones causing explosions of flames creating burnt-edged holes in my heart, mind, and soul.
My North Star has gone missing.
My blanket guarding me against the cold was lifted by the storm.
Happy Birthday to me.

Poppy and the drive thru

Tonight Poppy experienced his first not-so-fast food drive thru.  This is a neighborhood restaurant and not a McDonald's/Burger King type of place but they still have the huge menu and speaker.  

I have to digress here so that you have a more complete picture of the situation.  Poppy and I have a very efficient system for when I am the driver and he is the passenger.  I place him in the passenger seat and then I get in the driver's seat.  We have done this enough that Poppy has learned what "Move over" means.  Time is of the essence with Poppy so he doesn't like to waste it and before I have driven 10 feet he has made his way across the car and has at least his head in my lap.  In just a quick minute he will have his body in my lap and then he scoots his way up my chest and uses my cleavage as a shelf upon which he sits comfortably.  If I am not paying attention, I don't realize what he is doing until his little body is blocking my view of the steering wheel.  That sounds dangerous, you say?  Well of course it is dangerous!  He sticks himself to me as if he is made of Velcro and it takes much coordination on my part to unstick him, place him back in the passenger seat, and keep my eyes on the road.  To answer your next question, I know they make doggie harnesses that keep both driver and dog passenger safe.  One of these days I'll get one.  That is after I have balanced my checkbook and dust.  

I roll down my window and place my order.  Poppy tries to look out my window to see who is there.  Who am I talking to?  Since he is a little Chihuahua, that puzzle will remain unsolved.

We turn the corner to drive around to the side of the building and see that another car is ahead of us and waiting for their meal.  I push Poppy back into the passenger seat, get my purse, pull out my wallet, and feel pretty relaxed as I count out the exact change and bills.  Poppy is quite interested in looking out my window and tries again to crawl up onto my chest.  The car is in Park and my left hand is holding the change, my right is holding the bills.  I let him sit there until we are able to move up to the window.  I gently shove him off of me and once we are in position in front of the window he gently shoves himself back against me.

The restaurant worker slides open the window and just as she repeats the amount I owe Poppy hits the jackpot.  A person.  A person that is very close to the car!  Who said she could be there?  With is teeny Chihuahua bark he lets her know he is the mighty and powerful!  Luckily the girl finds this as funny as I do as I hand her the money.  I place Poppy back in the passenger seat.  As I said, this restaurant isn't trying to be fast so we patiently sit in the car.  Poppy is wondering what the heck is all of this and why are we here and will the lady return?  Soon enough my dinner is passed to me and the car fills up with the smell of food.  Poppy's face quickly turns from curiosity to recognition as the food bag passes over him and is placed onto the floor of the passenger side.  Ohhhhhhh.  So this is why we are here.  How magical!  When can we eat?

 

 

Rose and Jeff continued

Rose took a seat in one of the wicker chairs on the porch as she watched Bill make a mad dash to the nearest bush and lift his leg.  It was that lovely time of early evening when the creatures that are active during the day start getting quiet preparing for the night ahead and the nocturnal ones haven't yet woken up with a yawn and a stretch.  When it was quiet like this and Rose was alone she always ran an internal diagnostic of her feelings and life status.  It was a habit she felt didn't need changing.

Hearts

Hearts are like M and M's. When the hard covering is broken the soft inside becomes vulnerable so be careful that you aren't walking around with a hammer but instead have a soft touch.

Rose and Jeff Continued

Rose turned her head to look at the bedside clock. It was 6:30. The dog had to be fed and let out. Dinner had to be made, too, but she didn't want to be out from under Jeff's arm. If felt heavy, strong, and good. She looked back up at the ceiling and as she indulged her memories she closed her eyes.

She was back at the kitchen table finishing off the toast with jam. Her mouth watered and she had to swallow. She opened her eyes again to survey the room and make sure of her surroundings. She should really get up and take care of the dog. Guilt got the best of her and she slipped out of Jeff's arms.

Bill sat up at the sound of Rose getting out of bed and stared at the doorknob willing it to turn and the door to open. Tada! “C'mon, Bill. Let's go out,” said Rose as she got down and gave Bill a hug around his soft furry neck. They walked down the hall together through the kitchen and out the door.

Test Results, etc.

My latest cancer test results were not what I expected or wanted.  The numbers were higher than the last time I was tested a little over a year ago.  It took me weeks to absorb this bad news.  It wasn't the doctor that called me but his nurse and she had no idea why I wasn't dancing in the streets over the results after all, they were less than 1.  Nothing gets done when the results are under a 1. 

She didn't know I've been through this yearly number increase before and ended up needing a second more extreme surgery.  On top of that I have some sort of knobby growths one on the top of my left foot and the other on my forehead near my hairline.  I've had three courses of radioactive iodine treatment so secondary cancer is in the back of my mind.  I see my general practitioner today to talk to her about that and also getting refills on prescriptions.

My personal life is full of crazy shit including Jim's bat shit-ass crazy ex-wife.  My mom is slowly losing her mind and with that even more of her histrionic personality presents itself as the "I shouldn't say that" filter erodes.  I am in the throes of foreclosure because of my bat shit-ass crazy ex-husband.

"Drugs are bad, mmkay?"

So, the good things are that Jim and I are seeing an excellent nurse/social worker.  She is definitely heaven sent with that combination!  I have the best boss ever!  I have the best dog ever!  Let's just end this on a high note, mmkay?

Negatives

Unheard

Unloved

Abused

Misused

Lied to

Misplaced

Disgraced

Rose & Jeff

Rose was standing at the kitchen sink washing the dishes that had been left over from breakfast and lunch.  Her hands were warm from the sudsy water.  She was wearing a cotton dress that felt soft as the air from the open side door blew in gently making the fabric kiss her legs.  She looked out the kitchen window and smiled as her gaze took in, once again, the open fields that were her backyard. She would never tire of the scene.  It is what she always wanted.  As she watched the tall grass sway in the breeze, peace filled her heart and quieted her mind. 

 

She was lost in thought when she heard his boots on the porch and then the squeak of the screen door as he opened it.  The smell of cut hay walked in with him and with five quick steps Jeffery was next to her.  His right arm wrapped around her waist as with his left he turned the sink faucet off.  Kissing her on the cheek and then the back of her neck her body relaxed into his.  He had worked outside all day and sunshine clung to his plaid shirt.

 

“Hey, Girlie,” he said with both arms now wrapped around her waist. They were in their early 40s but she felt like a teenager whenever he was close.

 

“Hey, big man. How's your day going,” Rose asked as she turned around to face him.  He kept her tight in his arms.  She unbuttoned his shirt so that she could run her fingers through his chest hair.  It was soft and curly and she loved it.  She rubbed her face where her fingers had been and inhaled deeply.  Jeff always smelled good to her whether just coming in from a hard day’s work outside or fresh from the shower.   She felt Jeff’s kiss on the top of her head and then his chin as he rested it there.  She knew he was looking out the kitchen window and probably thinking about next week.  His surgery loomed large even though they both tried to not let it ruin their time together now.  With that thought she went from light to heavy.

 

Jeff took her by the arms and pushed her away from him just enough to be able to see her face.  She automatically tilted her head up. As she looked into his eyes her smile started off as brave and then crumpled.  Rose’s eyes filled with tears even though she wanted so badly not to give in to the desperation she hated to admit she felt. She couldn't imagine life without him. After all that she survived in the past she couldn't lose Jeff. All of those times when she forced herself to keep going when all she wanted to do was lie down and die - she didn't know if she would be able to keep going this time. Jeff tucked her protectively under his arm and they walked down the hall to the bedroom. Their dog, a big black German Shepard/Black Lab mix named Bill, had watched the whole thing from under the kitchen table. He got up and padded behind them nails clicking on the tile floor. The hallway afforded carpet and it was quiet again. Outside of the bedroom door he laid down and rested his big head between his front paws.

Break

I am at my best with you, at my worst with you.
Satisfying happiness, intense pain.

The highs and lows are wearing me out, breaking my heart, bleeding me to death.

Feeling ugly, not wanted, not needed, not heard.

Bodies in the same airspace circling the same skies but not meeting.

The petals are falling off the flower that used to be so vibrant and alive.

The edges are drying up and hardening.

As each cut clots the scar remains, imperfect healing felt with each movement.

The lying did me in. Felt so stupid. Still do.

How do I find my place again? Suspicions were right.

Wish I could bathe in healing waters. Go back. Can't.

Anger is the blanket covering the sheets of hurt.

My fingertips are white holding on. For how long?