So it is the night before the surgery and I want to write about what I am feeling. The part of me that would rather run away than go under the knife is the same part that would like to be cloaked in darkness and not talk about it.
I am doing this to help purge myself of the fear and loathing so I will stick to honesty as I know it will make me feel better.
As I take a deep breath, I can tell you that above everything else, I am tired. My primary care physician wrote me out a script for something to help me sleep. He said I needed a good night's sleep prior to surgery day. I didn't ask for it; I told him I didn't need anything. He wrote it out anyway. I'm not going to fill it. Because I slept for crap last night I have no doubts that my body will be happy to collapse into bed tonight.
Off and on during the day when I would think about tomorrow I tensed up and could feel my heart rate escalate. At those times I felt like a stuffed animal coming apart at the seams. The fight or flight response also kicked in ergo the feeling of wanting to run away. This is probably another reason why I am tired.
I am sad, too. I don't like putting my loved ones through this kind of stress. I learned a long time ago that if I melted into the scenery, the spotlight wouldn't be on me. If the spotlight wasn't on me then I wasn't the focus of any other's emotions nor would I be the cause. In this case, the attention from others is nothing but love and concern and it means the world to me. I just don't like being the source of concern.
In the end, I will be strong with intermittent lapses of weakness. I think that is all one can expect. I hope this surgery will rid my body of all of the cancer cells that were left and no more will be found. It is not hard for me to hope for that. I will get through this because I have to be ready for whatever lies ahead.
My Mom is upstairs singing and humming. It makes me smile and I know everything will be alright.
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