This afternoon was a follow-up fine needle biopsy. This was scheduled as a result of my visit a couple of weeks ago to the doctor that is going to perform the surgery on my neck.
The company at which I work takes up one whole floor at the very top of the office building. So, I get into the elevator, choose the 1st floor, the door closes and just as the elevator starts to descend I realize I left my paperwork on my desk - proof that a mind riddled with anxiety makes mistakes. I ride the elevator back up, walk to my desk, grab the paperwork, and confirm for a co-worker in the hallway that yes, she did just see me leave in the elevator.
As I am walking to the parking garage I realize that I forgot to find the directions I had written down for the first two visits to the downtown medical facility. I know. After having driven it twice I should remember how to get there but it is my crutch. I get in the car and paw around on the floor on the passenger side. Dirty napkins and old shopping lists but no directions. Oh, well. I run the route through my head and figure I should be alright.
The first two times I was taken right on time. This time I had to wait for an extra 25 minutes. I find that I have slouched in the chair and probably look like a very old recalcitrant teenager. I give myself a strong talking to and sit back up, as my mother would say, "Like a lady".
Before the procedure, I was put in a small friendly room so that I could meet with my endocrinologist to discuss the details. I went there thinking that I would have to endure two biopsies again as the discussion with the surgeon was that the lymph node on the right was still questionable and now there is another lymph node that doesn't look right on my windpipe...still on the right side.
My endo pops his head from around the door as his entrance. He is a nice man with a somewhat different sense of humor. We start discussing the procedure and he is only talking about the windpipe. I tell him of my discussion with the surgeon so he takes out his cell and calls him. Come to find out, the two docs had discussed my case after my office visit and now the surgeon agrees that I definitely have bilateral cancer. I will only have to get stuck for the windpipe. Yay for that. Boo that it has been confirmed that I have cancer on both sides of my neck and this means a 6 hour surgery.
Since I have already described what this feels like and how not swallowing is hard when one is being told not to swallow, I won't bore you with the details again. This time someone in the room was patting my thigh as the needles slid in. I almost asked them to stop as any show of sympathy would make me cry. In the end, I concentrated on that instead of not swallowing. I also was wondering why I got this from someone this time and not the last. It gives me a headache thinking about it. Do I look like I'm losing it even when I try to put a brave face on? Maybe the smell of anxiety was palpable. Who knows. I got through it and the outcome is that there are cells that are suspicious so it is being sent out for further testing. This lymph node mirrors the other one that was suspicious in that it is cystic w/cells that are abnormal. The earliest I will hear anything is Friday. Monday for sure.
I am experiencing more pain afterward this time. I think it is because of the different location within my neck from the last time. I am overwhelmed right now but will eventually do better as I move through the steps in dealing with this news.
I did ask Nigel this morning if he would like to go with me to hold my hand during this. He was all for it, but we didn't want to chance him not being allowed in as he is a dog.
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